


annealing

by LittleBlackGoldfish



Series: distance as a measure of our growth [5]
Category: Impulse (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Gen, Mentions of Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23514559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleBlackGoldfish/pseuds/LittleBlackGoldfish
Summary: They're both learning to be their own people, beyond the scars of personal history and emotional wounds. Forgiveness isn't the end of the process, just another step along the way, the beginning of bonds needing reworking into stronger form.
Relationships: Henrietta "Henry" Coles/Jenna Hope
Series: distance as a measure of our growth [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586440
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> More tags to be added as necessary. Well, here we go, the last piece of this long puzzle; admittedly I lost a bit of my motivation with the news that there wouldn't be a 3rd season, but it's hardly surprising. Update speed for this will probably be more than a little... uneven, some parts need more work than others.

Henry knew she was being annoying and even though Margarite was nice enough she hadn't said anything about it, yet, Henry still felt… well embarrassed. It wasn't like she'd ever thought of herself as cool exactly. The part of her that still wasn't used to staying in one place for longer than six months, that still didn't think of other people as just  _ being _ part of her life, was having a hard time adjusting to actually having people in her life that she actually gave a shit about.

It had started that morning. Technically. Three AM was the morning, right?

Three AM was the morning. Sleep had always been one of the things that Henry just didn't get about other people, she liked it fine, but she'd always seemed to operate with less of it than other kids her age. For her a late start meant getting up at nine. 

Her mom had always complained about her 'tromping around at all hours.' When she was there to notice. 

Maybe it was the fact that she'd never really had a  _ home _ since she was, like, six. When most of the places you lived happened to belong to your moms shitty boyfriends, Henry figured it was better to be out as much as possible. Whatever. There was probably enough psychological shit there to, like, satisfy a whole shitload of therapists.

Point was, she'd been up since three that morning just, like; listening to music and working on shit for school, her class on color, or as the school insisted 'colours,' insisted on like weekly little projects. She'd been jittery all of the day before. 

Well…

Okay, so Henry had been jittery all week, since Jenna invited herself over. She was only just starting to get used to the city and her classes and classmates and Margarite. Jenna just, like shit.

It hadn't gotten really bad til yesterday. When she got home, the word felt weird in her mouth, it got worse. Henry had started impulsively cleaning.

Like wiping down counters and trying to dust and shit. She'd made her bed at least three times, trying to get the cover not to wrinkle. 

And when that hadn't been distracting enough she'd started trying on different outfits. Then going back to cleaning. Margarite had gotten in half an hour ago and started sending her pointed looks almost immediately, then she'd hid the sponges and rags and shit like that. Not like actually hid them, but she put them out of the way. 

Which made it harder for Henry to pretend she wasn't nervous as fuck and just looking for things to do.

Margarite gave her another few glances, maybe trying to draw her out or something but Henry just avoided eye contact and resisted the urge to scream. Yeah ok, not the most mature response. Whatever. And then she planted herself firmly on the couch, stared out the window, and bounced her leg.

"Okay," Margarite said, marching herself over, "Did someone slip you something?"

Pressing her foot firmly to the floor, Henry just rolled her eyes. 

"She's your friend, right?"

Friend was… it was too small, Henry thought. But she sure as shit wasn't anything else. Not like family, or best friends or anything like that.

Things were better though, between them, less awkward and uncomfortable than they had been back in Reston and maybe that was down to the distance. Literally for sure but also, just like, emotional and whatever. Even after they'd had their big talk, things between Henry and Jenna had been hard those last couple of weeks before Henry had headed out to Toronto. 

Texting and talking over the phone made things easier. Less fraught. But there were still moments. Henry hated them. The way Jenna's voice would sometimes fall away, lapsing into a tense silence that Henry had no way of breaking.

Margarite's foot nudged her leg and she startled, "Um, yeah."

"So relax. I'm sure she's excited to see you."

"Yeah, I- no, I mean- It's just… it's complicated," Henry said. 

Margarite raised a single dark eyebrow, which she held for a beat, then let out a soft 'oh.' Henry shook her head.

"Not like that-" she swallowed the lie. 

Not that it was really a lie, Henry's feelings were just… they were just whatever. Not something that ever needed to be like, dealt with, or anything and they definitely weren't the only thing that made things complicated between she and Jenna.

"Look, there's just some shit. Not the sort of stuff I can explain and it just makes things, like, shitty sometimes."

Margarite frowned and opened her mouth. Probably to press Henry some more.

Fortunately she was saved from digging herself any deeper by the sound of a knock at the door. So, saved and simultaneously doomed. Because Henry literally jumped in place at the sound and Margarite saw and the look she gave her told Henry that she clearly wasn't going to drop it. 

Fuck. Henry wanted nothing more than to disappear into her room for the rest of the night. But that was clearly Jenna at the door and the only thing worse than having Margarite look at her like she knew exactly how Henry felt was basically proving it. Henry froze.

After a moment Margarite gave her another look, one that said Henry was an idiot, and looked significantly at the door. Right, she needed to actually let Jenna in. Not just sit there like a moron.

*

*

Jenna hesitated, her hand just rising to knock on the door again when she heard muffled commotion on the other side. So she waited.

Nothing happened. 

Her hand started going up again and her mouth opened to call out but before she could do either the door was yanked open and there was Henry standing stiffly behind a dark haired woman. A woman who had been a girl the last time Jenna had seen her, back when she was seven. Jenna blinked.

She hadn't- okay, so actually Margarite had changed a lot. Obviously. Given that she'd barely been a teen when Jenna had seen her last it was impossible she hadn't. But through the hazy recollections of more than a decade and the muddled memory of that childhood crush it didn't feel like she had. To Jenna she felt just as gorgeous as she had back then. 

Again, she clearly had. Tall, with short black hair shaved on one side and a string of piercings in both ears; her face was maybe the only place Jenna could actually feel the difference, she'd lost the padding of baby fat and gained definition. Even with all the years between then and now she could feel the memories of her younger self bubbling back up.

"Hello," she said, her voice carrying a faint, but detectable, accent. Fuck. 

If Jenna hadn't already known she was gay, that probably would have done it. She swallowed against her suddenly dry throat and stuck out her hand.

"Hi, Jenna," she pointed to herself, with the hand that she'd just put out, "I don't know if you remember me. We met- I, um I was seven and your family invited mine out for the summer?"

Margarite nodded, laughed gently, "Yes, I remember. So much trouble you had with my name, it was adorable. Come in, come in." 

With a step back, that forced Henry to scramble nearly into the wall, Margarite opened up enough space for Jenna to move past the doorway and into the foyer. Her stuff was safe enough in her car, so without a glance Jenna pushed the door closed behind her. Now she found herself face to face with Henry, she was uncertain and struck by nerves. 

Of course she was basically the same as she had been weeks and months ago back home. The same heavy eyebrows sitting over guarded blue eyes, pale blond hair falling messily around her sharp face. Jenna stared and tried to work out whether she should go in for a hug, or just stick out her hand again and offer a lame 'hi.'

Henry opened her mouth, closed it, seemed almost to lean forward for a moment and then reached up to tuck her hair behind one ear before stuffing her hands back into the pockets of her jeans.

Finally after way too long, she said, "Hey."

And Jenna parroted it back, "Hey."

Too quickly, too happily. She almost flinched at the over-eager brightness she forced into her own voice. Why was it so much more difficult in person than over the phone? And why was her heart suddenly beating frantically in her chest as if trying to escape? Her eyes seemed fixed on Henry, frozen in place.

Jenna almost reached up to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her own ear. But she kept her hands down by her side.

Another long beat of uncomfortable quiet before Henry finally broke it.

"Um, how was the drive?"

"Yeah," she said automatically, then, "I mean, it was okay. Not much traffic. Good weather."

Still they both stood there staring at each other while Margarite lingered in the background, watching. Neither making a move to say anything else. On Jenna's end it was like her brain had suddenly turned on a white-noise machine which drowned any thought more complex than basic autonomic responses. And left Jenna looking like a slack jawed idiot.

It went on for seconds that felt like hours. She hated it. 

Loathed every last second of uncomfortable silence and awkward tension that stretched end on end, but Jenna couldn't think of any way to break it. To reach through that gulf of uncertainty and nerves. Neither, apparently could Henry.

Which might have been a comfort if she'd had the spare brainpower to consider it. Thankfully they weren't the only people there.

"Hungry?" Margarite asked, startling both of them out of their frozen, 'deer in the headlights' dilemna.

Grateful for the lifeline Jenna quickly sought out the other woman's face and nodded, "Yeah," she bit down sharply on the inside of her mouth, way too eager. "I mean, uh- what were you having?"

"Well, let's see," Margarite wondered aloud as she made her way around the short wall separating the small foyer from the kitchen to the left.

Jenna followed, with Henry trailing on her heels silently, but stopped just at the boundary of the kitchen. It was more spacious than either of the ones at Megan's or Kate's places and Jenna was instantly jealous. She hadn't been able to do any real baking in months. 

Could Henry even cook? She didn't really think so, at least she'd never seen her make anything more complicated than soup from a can unless it had instructions on the box. Did that mean Margarite was cooking for the both of them? Or were they ordering in?

"Sushi? Or Greek?" Margarite suggested without looking over at either of them. Then, to Henry, "Or the Vietnamese place Sonam told us about last week."

Henry shook her head, "Tried it a couple days ago," she glanced between Jenna and Margarite before adding, "With a friend."

"Oh? Was this the one that asked-"

Another shake of her head. Her hands came out of her pockets, tugged at the bottom of her shirt before coming to rest on the smooth wood surface of the table as Henry put herself between Jenna and Margarite.

"No, not, um, I was just getting lunch with someone from class," Henry said as she turned her full attention to Margarite. Her fingers whitened as they gripped the edge of the table.

The other woman only hummed in response, barely looking up from her phone as she swiped through it. Presumably browsing whatever places delivered. 

Jenna remembered Henry mentioning something about getting lunch with a friend a few days ago, but it hadn't seemed like a big deal then. So then why was she being so weird about it now, and why was she so focused on Margarite? Was it something to do with the other woman? Except she barely seemed to react at all. 

And it wasn't like Henry had ever given much of a shti what anyone else thought of, well… anything she did. That was one of the things Jenna had always admired about her. Well, maybe not never. She'd cared what Jenna thought about Josh, sort of at least. Literally the only times Henry had opened up about anything before the summer had been about Josh, everything else was also obscured behind-

Wait.

Did she- was Henry into Margarite? She'd never said anything to Jenna about being, gay or bi or anything like that, but then maybe she wouldn't have. Not to her at least. It was hardly a subject either of them was comfortable with after everything. 

Looking between them, she felt something heavy and uncomfortable settle in the pit of her stomach. Whatever was going on, she didn't feel good about it.

*

*

In the morning Jenna woke up feeling completely off kilter; maybe it was waking up in an unfamiliar house, or being packed tightly between Henry and the wall. Heartbeat jumping every time Henry so much as twitched. Or maybe it was the fact that she'd stared silently up at the ceiling for basically two whole hours last night trying to figure out how she felt about whatever the hell it was that had happened at dinner. Before dinner. 

Around dinner. 

The short of it was that the entire evening had been awkward and uncomfortable and just plain weird in new and horrifying ways. Henry had been jumpy and Jenna had been… well she'd been trying to figure out what was going on with Henry without, you know, actually asking outright. Because... well, just because. 

And the worst of it was that Jenna still didn't really have any answers. Those two hours of sleep deprived wondering and anxious, frantic, thinking had netted her a grand total of zero conclusions. Were the constant little touches just Margarite being friendly? Straight girls touched. Jenna knew because she and Patty had touched constantly. A quick hand on the back as she slipped by, friendly shoulder bumps, fingers that brushed over simple things handed over, that was all normal.

Right?

Something about the easy air hanging between them put a dark, uncomfortable knot in the pit of her stomach. Which only got worse in the morning as they went through their morning routine. And for thirty uncomfortable minutes Jenna was the outsider. She wondered if this was how Henry had felt in Reston, if it was still how she felt.

Mercifully when she and Henry finally left for her school that feeling faded quickly. Jenna was still in unfamiliar territory, Toronto was a bigger city than she'd ever been to. At least it felt bigger. But with each minute they spent on the subway, blocks of the city zipping by, it felt more like an adventure and less like she was an invader.

Henry only had a couple of classes on Fridays. One in the morning, the other later that afternoon which left most of the day for them; though even the later one was over two hours long and the earlier an hour. So while Henry was learning to write essays, Jenna wandered the campus. 

It was starkly different from Colgate's sprawling, neatly manicured, lawns and clustered buildings. Jenna's school spread itself out while OCAD clustered and splintered, it was hard to separate some of the 'campus' out from just normal buildings of the city though the main bit was obvious. 

She ended up wandering around outside of the main campus for a bit, taking in the giant overhanging structure over the main building and taking in the sheer colorful riot of it before eventually going off to find a cafe. That was where Henry found her again, idling on her phone while she sipped a green tea. She'd just finished deciding it wasn't for her.

"Do you want anything," Jenna asked.

At the same time as Henry asked, "Ready?" then shook her head. "Nah."

The silence between them as they took another ride on the subway wasn't tense exactly, but it definitely wasn't comfortable. It felt dangerous, threatening, like the moment after lightening struck to close and you waited for the thunder to follow. Jenna decided she had to break it.

"Are you liking the city?"

Henry blinked back at her for a moment, "Yeah, it's a lot sometimes. But yeah."

"Cool. That's, uh, that's good."

"How are you-" "And your classes?"

They both stopped and waited. It was something Jenna had noticed over the last few months, how Henry tended to keep their conversations focused on Jenna, how she avoided being the center of attention or telling anyone anything about herself. She understood it was probably the sort of habit that had made it easier, living like she and her mom had but that didn't stop it from annoying Jenna.

And it certainly didn't stop her from being determined not to let her steer the conversation away this time. So she ignored Henry's question entirely. 

Finally after several long moments of quiet, Henry blinked first.

"Um, they're good. I, uh, have a class on… like, art outside of galleries and shit? Street art and shit. That's cool."

Jenna perked up, she knew so little about what Henry was doing, "So, like your tagging?"

"Yeah," Henry nodded. "Like, I knew it was a thing; Banksy is all famous and shit. But I never really thought about how, like, in depthy it could get? You know? Not just as a sort of, I dunno," she raised her hands to scare quote, " 'performative act of rebellion' but really a…"

Jenna smiled, it wasn't often that she could actually hear Henry talk at length about anything and the way she started to come alive in a way she'd never really seen before was thrilling. There was almost a sort of glow about her, like a light shining behind her eyes and a powerful thrill to her voice that prickled inside Jenna. She could almost breath it in. 

It was a little like Townes, the way he would gush about whatever new game he'd found. Or whatever new comic had just come out. Or, like, articles about stars and planets and, like, cosmic rays and stuff. And just like with a lot of Towne's energetic ramblings most of it went over Jenna's head, chemistry and biology and a little bit of physics were more her speed, but she liked listening.

But there was something  _ more _ to it when it was Henry talking about all this art stuff that Jenna really didn't understand, it just seemed to settle more deeply in her somehow. The sound of Henry's voice seeping through her skin, flowing through veins and arteries to pool in her legs and heart. A tickling warmth that loosed her fear and worries and nerves.

She watched and listened as the subway slowed and stopped and kept on listening as they walked back out into the open air, her feet moving nearly automatically as she existed in the gentle wave of Henry's voice. They came to a large sprawling collection of buildings, Jenna glanced up at them, her suddenly drawn back into the world around them. Large black lettering plastered across the face of the building loomed back at her.

"Henry…"

_ Ontario Science Centre _ jenna read again. And beside her Henry gave her an uncertain grin, hands stuffed in her pockets as she looked back and forth between her and the building. 

"I, uh, thought, because you know you like, uh- science and stuff, right?"

And if she hadn't looked so vulnerable in that moment Jenna might have let out the laugh that threatened to bubble up out of her. She did like science. Even if that was an incredibly broad and vague thing and her interests were a bit more narrow in scope. 

But also, it was painfully clear Henry had no real idea what a science center actually was, except that it had science in the name.

"Have you ever been to a science center before?" Jenna asked.

When Henry shook her head, Jenna finally did let out a little bit of that laugh that she'd swallowed just seconds ago. Just a small chuckle.

"They, um, they're mostly for kids. Like," she wasn't sure actually how to explain it. Having never actually been to anything like it herself. "They teach you about the digestive system, or what an orbit is, that sort of thing."

"Oh," said Henry heavily. "Fuck. Yeah, that does sound… boring."

Jenna laughed again, a bit louder this time, and pulled her phone out of her pocket, "Hold on, let me see what else we could do."

  
  


*

*

Henry resisted the urge to turn around and just start screaming. Of- _ fucking _ -course it would turn out like. Served her right too for jumping on the first option that showed up with science in the name when he searched for things to do in Toronto. Like, what else was she expecting, really? 

So far the entire visit had been just short of a disaster. Nothing more than a series of painfully uncomfortable interactions from the second Henry saw Jenna standing on the doorstep. 

Last night Henry had kept tossing and turning, unable to get to sleep; every inch of her body too aware of the warmth radiating from Jenna, goosebumps rising any time their skin so much as brushed, and her heart hammering so loudly Henry was scared Jenna would complain. She only got to sleep sometime around, like, two AM. Not that that was unusual. 

It was just usually for a better reason than her stupid brain freaking out over goddamn feelings and shit. Some of the shit that had popped into Henry's head, well, it was ridiculous. The kind of stupid highschool bullshit she'd been happy to avoid in actual highschool.

And now she'd taken them to a place for literal children.

"Okay," Jenna said after a minute, looking up from her phone. "Right, um, I think I found some place we can- I mean, if it's okay?"

Henry shrugged. What did it matter? Clearly the thoughts her brain offered up weren't worth much.

"Yeah. It's… I'm sure whatever you found is way better."

She gestured back at the building behind her, Jenna opened her mouth.

"I'm sure they're fun. For you know- we're just a little old for it."

They walked to the bus in silence. Henry sure as hell wasn't going to dig herself any deeper even if part of her itched to fill the quiet with something, anything. Another part of her longed for those, now ancient, days when conversation topics had arranged themselves mostly. Usually by being some serious life or death shit.

It wasn't a big part of her. Cause she didn't actually miss being scared for her life most days.

But now that both of their lives mostly resolved around class schedules and projects and stuff like that, finding things to actually say to Jenna just seemed completely beyond Henry most of the time. At least outside of like, what was happening with school. It never seemed enough; not important enough, not interesting enough, not- just not enough.

When they finally got off the bus, like twenty minutes late, Jenna's big idea turned out to be a botanical garden. It hardly seemed all that much better to Henry, were they going to just wander around oohing and aahing over flowers and shit? At her look, Jenna flushed and bit her lip.

Henry's throat tightened as she watched the white of her teeth worry over the soft pink flesh and the pretty rosy coloring tinge her smoothe, flawless, cheeks.

Fuck.

Jenna shrugged aggressively, forcibly stopped biting her lip, and said, "It's not exactly my idea of… look, it's pretty and quiet. I figured we could, like, talk."

She nodded and swallowed. Kids were noisy little shits, running around and yelling and generally having no respect for what adults wanted to be doing. Talking would have been hard at the science center. Of course that assumed Henry could actually, you know, come up with something worth saying.

And that? Was a bigger issue than it maybe should have been.

"How are… um, are your classes?"

"Townes good?"

"Are you liking the city?"

Variations on a pretty lame theme. Like they hadn't been texting and calling back and forth for the last couple of months and were instead a couple of highschool friends who'd lost touch for years. It was painful. 

Eventually they both lapsed into silence. As it dragged on Jenna finally gave out a frustrated laugh.

"We really don't know each other, do we?"

Henry wanted to argue; of course they did, with all the shit they'd been through together and everything they'd done, that with how far they'd come since last year they had to know each other. But it wasn't true. Without the terror of some seriously fucked up movie sort of shit, the truth was they really didn't.

"No," Henry shook her head. "I guess not."

Another long moment, stretched thin like an old balloon. She stared at some, like, roses or whatever as her brain scrambled for something else to say, for some sort of handhold to grab onto. 

"So… um, besides like, science shit. What're you into? Other than girls."

Jenna laughed and a tiny bit of painful tension in Henry's chest eased, the tiniest bit of lightness fluttering at the cage of her ribs.

"I uh," her expression grew wide-eyed, and a little panicked. "Oh, not- uh, I know one thing I definitely  _ hate _ is the canon of english literature. That's, yeah."

"Surprisingly, I knew that," Henry said, offering a nervous little chuckle. 

And she had, in and amongst the slow torturous burnout of their tenuous friendship last year Jenna had sent Henry several strongly worded texts about it. It wasn't something she got, particularly. Not that she loved the books they'd made her read in school or anything, but it was more boring than anything Henry could say she  _ hated _ .

"I guess you would. Um. Oh," Jenna startled, then glanced at Henry and grew quiet again. 

Her hands fidgeted against her stomach and her next words were subdued, quieter, "I like Star Trek. Like the original series and TNG."

"That's… the like space thingy Townes had in his room? The Million Falcon or whatever?"

"Yeah," Jenna nodded her head, then shook it, then ducked as her cheeks flushed deeper, "N-no. That's the Enterprise, from the new movies; the  _ Millenium _ Falcon is from Star Wars."

Henry raised an eyebrow. She distinctly remembered Jenna being a lot less sure when Henry had been trying to, like, hack into Towne's computer. Right before the hacker had reached out. She swerved away from those memories.

Another laugh, "Megan put them on. Sometimes it was all that stood between Townes and..." Jenna thought better of whatever she had been about to say. 

"Townes needed it sometimes. And I guess I just learned to lo- like it over time."

She shrugged, her eyes landing everywhere but Henry. 

Honestly she didn't really get what Jenna was embarrassed about, but then again from the ages of six to sixteen she'd never spent more than a six month stretch in one place. Perpetually the new kid. People didn't give a shit what the new girl liked, especially when she disappeared a few months later; like she said back in the parking lot of Reston high school, a million years ago.

"What about you," Jenna's voice cut in, interrupting her thoughts. "What does Henry Coles do when she's not getting high or defacing private property?"

Henry shrugged, they really didn't know each other, tried to wrack her brain for anything that might qualify as, like, a hobby or whatever and came up completely empty. Moving around so much almost made it difficult to get into anything she couldn't shove into a car on a two hours notice. 

Music was easy, eventually it all went on her phone. Art too, because it all either lived in her head on the pages of a notebook in brief moments of escape captured in the margins. Unless it went up on a wall somewhere. But that for sure wouldn't fit in the back of her ancient honda.

"Dunno, drawing and shit. Listening to music. I'm still, like, figuring shit out or whatever."

"Okay."

And again the quiet came over them, though this time it was a little less uncomfortable and a little more like the both of them just being there. It almost felt good to Henry, almost. She couldn't get rid of the itch to fill the silence with words.

Something, anything, an answer to Jenna's question even though she really didn't have one. It wasn't like she'd suddenly gone out and become, like, BFF's with anyone, Henry barely managed talking with people outside of class. 

"Townes tried to get me into his games, but-" she started, "I don't know, I just didn't... get it or whatever, not like he and Zoe do. Too confusing. All the buttons and numbers and the shit you have to keep track of, just didn't make sense."

"Every weekend some of the people in my dorm play Mario Kart and Smash," Jenna said. "It's fun. Just, yeah, not really what I-"

But she stopped herself and when she met Henry's eyes briefly, she could see that tension in her jaw and the uncertainty in her eyes. The way her hands pressed against her sleeve, not gripping by smoothing out. Henry could tell that even as she'd slammed her mouth down around the words she'd been about to say Jenna still wanted to say them.

"What?"

She tried for an encouraging smile.

"I, um," Jenna cleared her throat. Once. Twice. 

"I've been playing, uh, Dungeons and Dragons with some of my friends. Having fun, just, like playing pretend."

Henry frowned, she'd heard the words before, she knew she had. But they just weren't connecting with anything in her brain yet.

"Dungeons and dragons?" she asked.

Off her looked Jenna nodded, "Yeah. With, like dice and um, little plastic figures. You fight monsters and stuff, pretending to be someone else, in like a different world? It's a little hard to explain."

That sounded familiar, like something she could just barely remember hearing in class and Henry could sort of picture it; Jenna standing around a table with a bunch of her friends, all tossing dice into the center and yelling at each other. Something like that. 

It was… cute?

The image of Jenna smiling and happy, animated and engaged. Free. Unwelcome feelings fluttered in the pit of Henry's stomach but she stomped them flat. Still, talking about shit like that, it felt almost normal.

"Jenna Faith Hope, first the Star Trek. Now this?" she tried and failed to keep the laugh from creeping into her voice, she teased, "Are you… a nerd?"

Mock gasping at the end, eyes wide and hand to her mouth.

Jenna laughed, shoved at Henry's shoulder, "Shut up."

Henry smiled, let a little bit of those fluttering feelings loose. Not a lot and it was almost by accident really, as her body relaxed minutely, but she felt better. Meanwhile the other girl continued.

"It's fun. Different than everything else I do most of the time. I like it."

"Good," her voice firm.

Jenna looked at her again, "Yeah?" and there was a vulnerability to her voice, an uncertainty, that pulled at Henry's heart.

"Yeah," she nodded, then like an echo, "Whatever you wanna do, or be or whatever. Embrace it."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't actually sure I would get this done by today, but here we are!

Henry was just walking up to the house when her phone rang.

Which was a problem because her hands were tied up holding onto two big canvas bags full of the groceries she'd just bought. She set both bangs on the ground and pulled her phone out. That left Henry unbalanced as she hefted two bags of groceries in one hand and moved to answer with the other as she marched up the steps to the front door.

Jenna's name flashed on the screen, her mouth twitched, before she swiped to answer.

"Hey," Henry said.

"Hi."

A beat passed.

"Is that all you called to say," she teased.

Barely a couple of weeks since the near disaster of her visit. They'd only talked a few times since then in between Henry's still settling schedule, turned out you actually had to put effort into making new friends, and the press of Jenna's special brand of caring about shit. Mostly it had been good.

Occasionally the awkwardness crept back in. Henry always tried to deflate it however she could, sometimes she was more successful. Other times not so much.

This time it seemed to.

Jenna gave a dry laugh.

Then, "Sorry, I just- I don't know. How are you-"

Henry went to free her hand, pressed phone between shoulder and ear, and at the same time tried to shift her grip on the bags in her other hand. She grunted audibly. Which Jenna heard, not exactly surprising since she was literally having Henry's voice funneled straight into her ear.

"What was that? Are you okay?"

Rolling her eyes, safe in the knowledge that Jenna couldn't see her do it, Henry huffed. 

"Yes. I'm fine," the key slipped in and she twisted, "Just coming back from picking up groceries."

"Oh. Um, I could call back in a few minutes. Or you could call me when you're finished."

"Relax, would you," Henry said as she pushed the door open with her knee. "I'm literally walking up to the front door right now."

And she was. Leaving the key in the door for the moment, Henry freed up her hand to take her phone again and walk in.

"Oh, okay. Um, so how are things?"

"You know me; hard drinking, a little burglary, you know... whatever."

"Henry," Jenna growled. Oops. 

As she walked around the wall and into the kitchen, Henry sang back, "Jenna."

Really if this whole friendship thing was going to work she was going to have to get used to Henry being at least a little bit of a mouthy asshole, it wouldn't work otherwise. Of course that probably also meant Henry probably needed to be less of one sometimes. Pick her moments or whatever. Ugh. Learning and growing was bullshit.

Over the line Henry heard Jenna sigh and Henry hurried to cut her off before she could, like, get really pissed.

"Things are fine," she set the bags on the counter and shook out her hand. Then she went back for the door. "Quiet, but like, in a good way."

She grabbed her keys and pressed the door shut, leaning back against it as she stared at groceries in the kitchen and debated whether to leave them for a little bit or do the responsible thing. The considerate thing. 

Henry pushed herself off the door and went to go put into practice all that personal growth.

"So no wild nights out clubbing with Margarite?"

She laughed, a bit loud. Then, as she felt the silence stretch on the other end Henry frowned and felt the bite of the question as she reached to pull the orange juice out of the bag. A hard cold knot pressed against her sternum. Henry shook her head.

Probably she was just jealous over all the like, libraries Toronto had or whatever. Not… whatever else her brain had jumped too. Had to be plenty of eligible gay ladies at Colgate, college was supposed to be like a lesbian breeding ground. At least according to the internet.

She snorted, "Hardly. Even if  _ I  _ had the time," technically she was legal to drink in Toronto, not that Henry would have let it stop her, if she were interested, "Margarite's hardly home before seven most nights and I'm not sure I've ever seen her go out. Ever." 

Then, Henry added, "Honestly, you might be more of a party animal than she is."

A beat, and she could hear Jenna shuffling around, before she piped back up.

"Are you- what about classmates? You are getting to know people, right?"

Of course Jenna would worry if Henry was making friends or not, like she was off to her first day of middle school or whatever. She rolled her eyes. It wasn't like she'd never talked to anyone back in Reston.

"I've been to a couple of parties. Shit's not really my scene," she paused, considering her next words.

"Plus, sometimes it's just hard to… connect or whatever. Some of these kids in my classes, I look at them and I just think… I just think they don't know how shitty the world can be."

Jenna hummed. 

"Other people have been, you know…" but she didn't finish the thought.

"Assaulted," Henry said, then, "But it's not that, it's the  _ other _ shit."

Talking about Clay and what he'd done to her was still difficult, but she could do it without flinching; without the growling, screaming,  _ thing _ of it grabbing hold of her and lashing out at anything in sight. It really was the other stuff, all that messed up crap that had started after Clay and his truck, that Henry still struggled with. 

Nikolai had been the only person she thought understood. Could understand. Even Jenna, as much as she tried and as much as she'd seen, didn't. Mostly she'd managed to live with not knowing who or what was out there by forgetting about it all and pretending it didn't exist, which was probably not, like, a healthy coping mechanism but it was what Henry had.

But that dread still crept up on her some times.

When she tried talking to her classmates and the conversations worked their way around to talking about where they'd come from and what home was like, that was usually when Henry stumbled. Probably she needed to, like, see someone about this shit. But how the fuck was she going to explain any of it without coming off as extra crazy?

Nah, even talking to Jenna about that shit was more than she liked most of the time. And they basically never did. 

"Oh. Do you want-"

" _ Not _ over the phone," Henry cut her off.

"Wha-" she flinched at the hurt in Jenna's voice, and an apology bubbled towards the surface.

Before with something like real fear in her voice, Jenna asked, in a whisper, "You think someone is… listening?"

She made a noncommittal noise, Henry honestly didn't know what she thought. The part of her that wanted to avoid even thinking about all that shit warred with the part of her that ached to comfort Jenna, to sooth the tremor of terror she'd heard. 

Jenna was quiet for a beat. Henry's cowardice won out and after another long moment Jenna cleared her throat and switched topics completely with forced casualness.

"H-how are your classes going?" 

The shakiness in her voice dug into Henry's chest. Shit. She opened her mouth and she felt around for the proper words to comfort, but they stuck in her throat, on the verge of tumbling out. 

And so Henry flinched.

"Eh," she said instead. Trying to force her own voice into sounding normal. "It's a lot of stuff I already sort of knew, shit about how to use color and shadows and shit like that. Some of it is useful. And outside of that stuff it's all new. We're doing stuff with video. That's… it's definitely interesting, but not for me. You know?"

Another beat.

"Oh," Jenna said. "Like, short films."

Henry shook her head but of course the other girl couldn't see that and breathed out in quiet relief.

"Not that complicated. Just like shot composition, little vignette things. Barely like a minute long."

"Oh, that's cool. And what about that, like… street art class you were taking?"

Street art? "You mean my Site and Intervention class?"

"I don't know, you told me about when I visited," Jenna said. "You were talking about, like alternate spaces and stuff. Tagging and… you didn't tell me the name of the class."

Henry stared down at the pile of groceries now spread out on the counter top and tried to remember back to the visit but she couldn't really remember anything specific. She shrugged as she took the eggs over to the fridge.

"Could have been that, or maybe my class on curation practices? They both touch on that sort of thing, but curation is more about how spaces for art have, like, history and can shape and… I dunno, limit the art you put in there."

She frowned, "And because museums and galleries are basically just tools, it gets complicated by like- basically, for a long time, they chose what even got to be called art. Even what gets defined as a gallery or a museum and who runs it is full of all these- "

Henry cut herself off, grabbed the orange juice and shuffled over to put it away.

"Which probably sounds like a lot of, I dunno, bullshit to you. But art just isn't as clear cut as atoms and DNA and shit."

"No," Jenna insisted. "I get it, I think." 

"Science isn't really any different; you have the same questions, about who gets to be called a scientist and what sorts of knowledge and experiences get to be included, to be counted. are valued and when something is a law versus when it's just theory."

Henry smiled. "Yeah," she paused, stuffing cheese in next to a tub of hummus.

"What about your classes? Didn't end up talking about it much when you were here."

Everything that needed to, like, stay cold was away. So she decided the rest of it could wait, she was tired from staying up late last night working on a piece for her drawing class. Either she would put the rest away later or Margarite would when she got home. Which would probably be soon.

"They're good, more of a challenge than anything last year," Jenna said. "I packed last year with a lot of my general ed requirements so I'm actually getting to take some of the less basic bio courses."

"Mmm."

Henry passed the big fern in the corner of the living room and wondered if it needed to be watered, touched her fingers to the dirt around its base and decided it probably didn't. On her way out of the living room she also snapped on the lamp. it felt weird sometimes letting the house sit dark when it was just Henry there. 

"My molecular bio class is turning out pretty engaging. They cover more of the history than you might expect, I was glad to hear the professor talking about Rosalind Franklin and not just Crick and Watson and Wilkins like they did in highschool."

Those names  _ sounded  _ familiar, but Henry had no real idea who they were.

She really did try and pay attention when Jenna started talking about science stuff, but so much of it went right over her head. Especially now that Jenna was getting into the actually advanced stuff rather than just, like, dissecting frogs and looking at grass under a microscope or whatever they had Henry do in highschool. 

"Those guys did something important, I guess?" 

Henry wandered into her room, flicking the light on.

Jenna sighed, "They discovered the structure of DNA. Watson and Crick and Wilkins got the Nobel prize, and Franklin should have too but she died from cancer before it was awarded. That or they didn't want to give it to a woman."

"You mean, like, they killed her?"

Henry flopped down on her bed. Probably they hadn't killed the woman, weren't the Nobel prizes all about peace and shit too? But then again with all the shit she'd seen go down, it was hard to really, like, discount anything.

"No," she could practically hear Jenna rolling her eyes. "She died of ovarian cancer. Rosalind Franklin worked x-ray machines, she gave us some of the first images of DNA."

"Sooo. What, she got cancer from running an x-ray machine?"

"I don't think so," Jenna said uncertainly.

"Huh."

She wondered if it was in her DNA the thing that let her slip from one place to another, her dad had been able to do it too, right? But Nikolai had once told Henry that they, the people he worked for, didn't know if it was passed on parent to child. What were the chances of her having it too if it wasn't? They had to be small.

What else would Henry inherit from him; was he really schizophrenic or had that only been a way for her mom to rationalize the things he couldn't explain to her. If he was, did he pass that on to her too? And what parts of her mom would Henry get, what other ticking time bombs in her own body did she have to look out for?

Jenna's mom had died of cancer. 

She felt all of sudden too still and quiet. Her heart beat fluttery against her ribs. She didn't even know what kind of cancer, or how old Jenna had been when she died or how long she'd lived with it before it took her. Was cancer one of those things that parents passed on? How many years before it was a worry, before every call and text from Jenna was-

Henry didn't want to think about any of it.

"So," she said. "Been on any hot dates?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line as Jenna adjusted to the sudden shift in topic.

"No… "

"Really," Henry said, part of her unclenching. She scowled at the feeling.

Then she remembered a few texts from the year before, "No more drunk party make outs?"

Jenna huffed, "That was one time."

The sound of the front door opening and then being swung closed reached Henry's ears distantly. Footsteps tap tap tapping their way into the kitchen, pausing, and then continuing on into the living room.

"I'm just- I'm still figuring some things out about what I want. Don't want to dump that on anyone. After things with Emily, I just- "

Henry swallowed past the way her throat tightened down on the memory of that night, less than a year ago and the way heat prickled uncomfortably between her shoulder blades, "Hey, um, hold on a sec." 

Rolling off her bed she padded towards the door, she only dimly heard Jenna's drawn out, "okay," as she stuck her head out and scanned the living room.

Margarite was looking through the pile of mail Henry had brought in earlier that afternoon, before she'd gone shopping, and looked up as glanced over. The other woman smiled and glanced at the phone in Henry's hand with curiosity.

"Jenna," she said by way of answer, then, "I went shopping. Most of it's away."

Glancing over her shoulder to the kitchen, Margarite nodded, then started to ask.

"Did you get- "

"Yeah, I got your cookies," she interrupted. There was a special Canadian, because Henry had never seen them before, brand of cookies she liked and last time Henry had done the shopping, she'd forgotten them. 

"And by the way Mrs. Benson says our dog trampled her flowers again."

Mrs. Benson lived halfway down the block and was probably as old as Dippy had been. She kept complaining about their dog; sometimes it was barking at all hours of the night, or shitting in front of her door, or more frequently it was getting into her flowers and trampling them. Telling her neither of them  _ had _ a dog didn't seem to do any good.

Of course, besides the complaining she never did anything about it. Margarite shook her head and waved Henry off.

"Sorry about that," she said as she turned back into her room. "Margarite just got home."

"Oh, how is Margarite?"

"Fine. Probably. Usually she's home later than this, I guess she probably, you know, cracked whatever it was that was keeping her late."

"That would be good," Jenna said tightly.

A strain, like she had to push the words out from behind her teeth. It reminded Henry of last year. Which was weird because Jenna had seemed to get on fine with Margarite during the visit.

"I guess. Expect I'll be seeing more of her around the house."

Jenna hummed, her voice taught and tense, "I bet."

Maybe she wasn't pissed at Margarite. Was she, like, jealous? But what did she have to be jealous of Mar- oh. Something heavy and cold twisted in the center of Henry's chest.

"Jen-" Henry started, then coughed at the rough sound of her own voice, and started again, "Jenna," she went for teasing, landed probably somewhere around 'losing her shit,' "Twelve years is a bit long to be holding a torch, don't you think?"

She heard Jenna freeze, the way her jaw clenched and her breath stopped; Henry could picture her line of her mouth, hands clenching as she glared at her phone. Or maybe just at an imagine Henry. That had not apparently been the right thing to say.

Henry swallowed and opened her mouth to say she didn't really know what.

"I'm not- I don't-"

Then a long drawn out breath.

"That's not what's going on," Jenna said after a moment.

Right, okay so she was either right on the mark or pretty far off it. And she really had no idea how to tell. This was ridiculous, it was twelve fucking years in the past and Jenna was  _ seven _ , no one could hold onto that shit for that long it had to be something else. But even as she thought that, the words froze in Henry's throat.

It verged too closely on the shit that Henry was feeling, not a twelve year crush but some real ridiculous shit that made her feel twelve. No way she was going to open that can of worms over the phone. Or in person. Ever.

So. Time to change the conversation. Again.

"How is your… um, Dee emm Bee... game?" she tried.

Jenna hesitated, letting out another breath this one relieved, "Dee- _ en _ - _ dee _ ," she corrected. 

"Good. I'm having fun still, being nerdy."

"Cool, cool." Dragons, dragons. Not like, brambles or battles or whatever Henry had been thinking.

Yet another beat of uncomfortable silence. Just when they'd been starting to get back to something like normal Henry had to go and fuck it up. She wanted to scream.

"When you-"

"I think I'm going to-"

They both stopped.

"You go," Henry said, already pretty sure what the next words out of Jenna were going to be.

"There's some lab worksheets I need to finish," she said. "So, um, goodnight."

"Sure, yeah. Good luck."

Henry winced, why the fuck would Jenna need luck for homework or whatever. She knew her shit already.

"Thanks," Jenna said. 

Then with a click she was gone and Henry was left with silence.

With a sigh she dropped her hand to her side and just stared up at the ceiling of her room. Swallowing the scream that wanted to tear through her throat, Henry silently mouthed the woird 'fuck' over and over again up at her ceiling and contemplated just, like, never talking to anyone else ever again.

She sighed and fell face first back onto her bed, curling into a tight little knot. Fuck.


	3. Chapter 3

Henry: homeless dude yelling on the bus again

You: same guy?

Henry: nope

Henry: should have brought my car

You: lol

Jenna slipped her phone back into her pocket.

Then she finished putting the rest of her stuff away in her backpack, she had a few hours before her molecular bio lab and was debating getting something to eat or heading to Casey to get a head start on her paper for Challenges of Modernity. It wasn't due until the end of the semester but she wanted to have at least a rough draft before Thanksgiving. 

She was still considering it by the time she left the classroom and headed down the stairs.

"Jenna!" a voice called out as she stepped out into the early afternoon sun. 

She glanced back to spot Arjun, one of her classmates in said lab, jogging up.

"Glad I caught you," he huffed as he slowed beside her. Jenna gave him a quick smile, he was nice enough but they'd hardly talked more than twice outside of class.

"Hey, um, do you want to study later for Monday's quiz? Me and Zee and some of the others are getting together for a group session.

She wasn't sure who 'Zee' was, but had been planning to start studying later that night and it was always better to have someone else available to quiz you. Last year had been, difficult, at first without Patty by her side to grill Jenna for tests and stuff.

"What time?"

"Seven tonight?" Basically right after lab. "Room four-ten in Casey."

Unless she did end up working on the paper she didn't really see a reason to say no. And honestly, Jenna already wasn't feeling it so maybe she should go and study with Arjun and his friends, at least the material would be interesting and there would be other people. 

Right, other people. Something clenched in Jenna's stomach, but she ignored the feeling. 

"Yeah, I'll see you there," Jenna said. 

Arjun smiled wide, "Cool, I gotta zip, see you later."

Without another word he was off and Jenna turned around and started heading for the Coop rather than her dorm. If she wasn't going to work on the paper she didn't need anything else and frankly Jenna was starving. She'd barely eaten that morning. 

After an early lunch of a cheeseburger most of the rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully, she read ahead for her stats class before heading to the lab where they were still finishing up reports from last time so things were quiet in class. Jenna saw Arjun again and gave him a wave back. 

Eventually she headed back to her dorm. And at first tucked herself in at the cramped desk.

Where she read through the next few chapters for Chemistry one-oh-two before eventually sprawling on on her bed to watch dumb videos on youtube and text back and forth with both Megan and Kate; there was going to be a mixer later in the week for the campus LGBTQ+ student group, and both of them wanted Jenna to show. 

It wasn't that she didn't want to go, sort of, but she just… she always felt weird at parties. On display, like everyone was looking at her. She'd felt that way in Reston and continued to feel that way at Colgate. Back home Jenna had thought it was about being, like, a lesbian, once she'd come to terms with it, but even being out and surrounded by other queer kids hadn't made it disappear.

Honestly the only party Jenna could remember not feeling completely terrified of, past like age twelve, was the one Henry had dragged them too right after her mom got shot, and that was only because she was more focused on her than on herself. Worrying about someone else's state of mind apparently had a distracting affect. Probably wasn't exactly healthy to you know, rely on though. Jenna knew she needed to get over it, deal with the part of her that never felt enough but she wasn't sure how.

It was a little after six, just a few minutes before Jenna was going to head out, when her phone chimed. Barely a glance and her eyes immediately caught on Henry's name.

Henry: don't worry if I don't text back tonight

Henry: some ppl r dragging me out

You: thats okay

The last couple of weeks, things had been improving between the two of them. Not that they'd really been bad, not since the airing out they'd had back during the summer, but after her visit almost two months ago things had been a little weird. Stilted.

And now things were getting back to normal. Or at least as normal as things had ever been with Henry.

You: study group tonight anyway

Henry: cool

Henry: kno u love u sum studying

You: haha

You: where u going?

You: abandoned warehouse? dark seedy alley?

Henry: :rolleyes:

Henry: dunno

Henry: said they were tired of me being a hermit

You: haha

You: well have fun

Henry: you too

Jenna lay there staring at her phone and feeling… something. It sat, heavy, in her throat and chest. Prickling in tiny waves of heat that faded slowly until all that was left was the strange negative of something, like a stone pulled from a field that left a crater for water to fill during storms. 

She didn't know what to make of it. Thankfully her roommate barged in after a few minutes and jolted Jenna's memory; she had somewhere to be. Barely pausing to grab her backpack she rushed for the library.

*

*

Her eyes had just about glazed over from staring at the all but blank screen in front of her, cursor blinking back mockingly from what should be the outline for her paper. Pretty much all Jenna had managed so far was a vaguely-bland thesis statement and three lines which read, in order; 'an argument,' a GOOD argument,' and 'conclusion.' It wasn't even that she had a hard time with the material itself. Just for some reason she just couldn't make herself think about it productively for more than a second or two and every time she tried her mind invariably wandered away.

Mostly worrying about stuff she really shouldn't be. Like if she could get out of going to the mixer on thursday even though she'd just agreed to go that morning. Whether Henry had gotten home safely last night. Or if that girl in her Chem had been flirting with her or just friendly.

And, sure, technically she had the rest of the semester. But Jenna knows exactly how fast that can go by and how even what feels like good work can turn out to be, like, a total shitshow if you're not one-hundred percent on top of your shit. Still, she was basically ready to pack it in for the night.

Her phone chiming into the too quiet room was a welcome distraction. Jenna practically threw herself out of her chair and onto her bed where her phone was charging on the table.

Henry: soooo

Henry: like 

Henry: when a recipes says

Henry: 'a pinch of salt'

Henry: wat the fuck does that mean exctly

Jenna stared at the screen, watching as each subsequent text came in. Her smile growing with each one.

You: um you pinch some salt between your fingers?

Henry: but

Henry: ugh

You: wait

You: Henry, are you cooking?

Besides the odd sandwich, or toast, Jenna doesn't remember Henry ever doing anything that even resembled cooking when she lived with them. In fact she pretty distinctly remembered a comment about her 'strange magical kitcheny ways' over the summer.

Henry: trying

Henry: it's just like pasta

Which, what? Pasta is basically done already; take boiling water, put in some pasta from a box, strain, add to a jar of sauce, serve. Jenna could do it at ten and even Patty Yang who had almost cried once when her older brother threatened to dump ketchup on her favorite shirt could manage some. Okay so Patty had been eight when that had happened, but at fifteen she had also nearly clawed Jessica's eyes out when the other girl tripped and almost spilled coffee on her brand new jeans. 

Which might have had a little more to do with the fact that someone had told Patty they overheard Jessica saying she had… well Jenna didn't even like thinking it, not when it hadn't even turned out to be true, and not when the point was that it had more to do with being pissed at Jessica than anything else. But the larger point, well the more direct point, was that pasta was easy.

You: if it's for the water olive oil works better

You: or just pay attention and stir

You: for sauce add a little bit 

You: less than you think you'll need 

You: and then taste it

You: add more if you think it needs it

Jenna tried to remember anything else, but it wasn't like anyone had ever given her a text book or anything. She just knew how to cook, how to read a recipe and watch a pot. Actually it had been a while since she'd been able to cook herself, dorms didn't really let you.

The last time had been when she'd gone over to Kate's, she lived in one the Broad Street houses, they'd ended up cooking a sort of paella that had turned out really well. Jenna had meant to ask for the recipe. Apparently she'd forgotten to though. 

She shot off a text to Kate and by the time she was done Henry had responded.

Henry: thx

You: welcome

Henry: literally saving ym night

You: im sure that's not true

You: pastas not hard

Henry: says you

Henry: i've seen you make SOUP

You: soups not hard

Henry: :rolleyes: proving my point

Soup wasn't hard. 

Well, some could be, like, fancy ones. Mostly though you just tossed a bunch of things into a pot with water or broth and heated it. Of course some things needed to be cooked first and other things didn't but it was only a little more complicated than pasta. Not quite as straightforward maybe. But that was what recipes were for. 

It wasn't like Jenna had memorized everything she'd ever made. There were only a handful of things she could make without a recipe, they took the guesswork out of things and Jenna liked that. A recipe was like DNA, it didn't contain absolutely all the information, but it told you how to put all the right pieces in place so that experience and attention could make sure it all came together into something good.

Henry: who taught you to cook anyways

Henry: your mom?

You: a bit

This was getting close to territory they'd never really approached much before. Not together. Not this casually, not this smoothly. Jenna bit her lip, sat up slowly and typed deliberately. 

You: mostly mom taught me baking

You: dad cooked

No one had ever taught Kate either. She hadn't found that out till like a month before summer the year before. Apparently she'd never really needed to learn, not until she came to Colgate and had to start spending 'her' money on food. That was probably the weirdest part to Jenna; it had never really seemed like a choice.

It wasn't like she was any sort of expert, either, but the difference between her and Kate was… Kate wasn't terrible, but she was slow. So slow sometimes. And always asking questions. How large should she cut the onions? What was the difference between mincing, dicing, and chopping? How did she decide it was time for the next step?

Simple things like that. 

Half of them Jenna had never really thought about. They were just things she absorbed from watching her dad over the stove, poking at bubbling sauces and sizzling meat and of course, screwing up her own fair share of lunches. Almost ten years of just… cooking. Learning what worked and what didn't by slow experimentation and observation.

Henry: huh

You: Cleo never taught you?

Jenna started helping her mom bake when she was eight or nine and those were still some of her best memories with her. Well, she'd liked to have Jenna around. How much Jenna actually helped, or learned, at first was questionable. 

And the truth was her dad hadn't tried teaching her to cook until after mom had passed, not really. Maybe it hadn't seemed necessary or maybe he thought the kitchen was a place for her and mom to share. Two parents, though she barely remembered her mom cooking anything, could shoulder the burden of cooking every other night a lot easier than a single parent could. Especially when he was always running a business that was active at night. 

Henry: nah

Henry: usually running off to work

Henry: think my dad cooked

Henry: ya know before he split

Which made sense. Jenna had grown to love Cleo like, well, like the mother figure she still desperately craved but she wasn't actually that much of a homemaker. She sighed and lay back.

You: oh

She really didn't have anything better to say to that sobering reminder of Henry's pain.

It was also a reminder of the stark differences in their lives. Not that Jenna needed one, precisely, but sometimes it seemed like they'd known each other forever and not just three years. Like Henry had always been there in Reston, just as much a piece of Jenna as Patty or Townes or the quarry or the endless expanse of fields dotted by shadowed copses of trees stretching behind her home.

Henry: the fucked thing is

Henry: night after I screwed everything up?

Henry: I went to meet him

The walls closed in around her as Jenna sat up with her heart pounding in her chest like a jackhammer, cracking open a yawning abyss for her to fall into. Her body felt light and loose, like it was shaking loose; almost ready to drift away. She shook, just like that day in the car, Henry's voice a distant overwhelming sound; talking about leaving with Josh.

Jenna felt twelve again. Like she was being sat down after possibly the best day ever and having her world cracked open all over again. But she knew better now. Better than to let her worst fears and anxieties, her worst impulses overwhelm her. Jenna forced first one breath then another out of her mouth, through the knot in her throat, then managed to stop her shaking fingers. And slowly the feeling faded.

It took a moment. But when it was gone, Jenna was ready to let Henry pour out her share of pain. Or read it at least.

Henry: like he was reaching out, leaving these clues or whatever

Henry: so I thought

Henry: i dunno

Henry: that he was like me

Henry: that he had to run and shit to keep us safe

Henry: so I went to this like

Henry: campground we used to go to i guess

Henry: i barely remember it

Henry: and he just never showed

Henry: it was whatever

Henry: guess thats 1 thing i definitely got frm him

Henry: running away from my problems

She gave it a moment, just to be sure Henry was done. Staring up the ceiling Jenna felt an ache settling in her chest, not the buzzing, yawning, angry thing but something more distant. Like something heavy had just been dropped straight where her heart was. A cold dead weight pulling her insides tight.

You: Henry

Biting her lip, Jenna typed and typed and hesitated on the verge of pressing the send key. She knew from painful experience how little Henry liked being pushed about, literally anything really, but 'emotional shit' especially. But it wasn't like Jenna could just let it go. 

At least she needed to make the offer. She jammed her thumb down.

You: I'm sorry we never really talked about you dad and stuff

You: I'm here now if you want to

Then she waited. Patiently at first, to let Henry have her time to process and respond, but with increasing anxiety. Two minutes wasn't long to wait. Not really, not when you really looked at things. Four was a little concerning. But still, nothing to get worked up over.

Right?

At five she let herself worry, a little.

You: Henry?

Seven minutes was just too long, for her not to say anything. Jenna could hear her heartbeat in her ears, like a slowly building drum, and her leg shook her phone as she stared at it intently. Willing it to buzz. Nothing for ten minutes.

You: Henry

Before she knew it Jenna was standing and pacing. Glaring desperately at her phone for several seconds and then switching to trying to stare off into space and think of anything else and then glaring back down at her phone.

It had been long enough, right? More than ten minutes of silence was enough to worry anyone. Jenna wasn't being crazy, she wasn't overreacting. Henry was the one being unreasonable, if she wasn't ready to start the conversations she should never have brought up the subject.

Convinced, Jenna jabbed the call button and waited. And waited. 

And waited.

No response. With a frustrated growl that she barely kept from turning into a scream, Jenna went back to texting; the knuckle of her free hand jammed in between her teeth.

You: Hnry

You: Henry Coles you answer me right now

Finally. After nearly fifteen minutes of silence, she feels her phone vibrate in her hand. Followed a second later by a quiet chime.

Henry: shit fuck

Henry: sorry

Henry: I had to take things off the stove

Jenna wanted to laugh, or cry. Or maybe scream.

Of course it was something simple like that and not… whatever ti was her brain had been trying to make her imagine. She let out a long shaky breath and swallowed against the knot just starting to unwind itself in her throat, before falling back heavily onto the edge of her bed. What was she doing? It shouldn't have taken that long just to take things off the stove.

Did she decide to start eating right away? But she still should have seen or heard Jenna texting back. Unless she just tossed her phone in another room and pointedly ignored it for some reason.

Oh. Yeah, of course that's what Henry did.

Henry: um, yeah

Henry: maybe not now, but sometime?

She smiled. It was oddly comforting to know that all of this terrified Henry as much as it did Jenna. Made it feel more like they were in things together. Like it was a thing they were doing together,this figuring out how to be whatever it was they were to each other rather than just being, like, those people who lost touch. Like there would actually be space in Henry's life for Jenna.

You: anytime

You: I mean it

Henry: thanks again

Henry: for everything

*

*

Jenna scrolled through her phone while she waited for the others to come back. Originally she hadn't known what exactly to expect when Kate had suggested she join her and her friends for their _Dungeons and Dragons_ night one night after finals. Of course she'd heard of it before, but it had always seemed… well more for old people to be honest. Like something her dad would have done in college. 

So she hadn't gone into expecting much but surprising herself, Jenna liked it.

She'd only gotten to play once last year, with a character they'd made for her, before the semester ended and yet it stayed with her all summer. Not like, obsessively. But trying it again had been one of the things Jenna had looked forward to. Secretly in the privacy of her own mind. At least before she'd told Henry.

It was hard to pinpoint what exactly she liked about it; maybe it was the sense of freedom? How pretending to be someone else seemed to unleash a part of her that Jenna had trouble letting loose on her own. There was also something about just letting loose, about being able to play around without worrying about her safety or what people would think or what the future would be like. When she got back to school it had still taken her a couple of weeks to work up the courage to ask Kate about it.

And playing with a character she'd made herself was ten times better too. Jenna got to control all parts of them, to shape and mold them the way she wanted. And to cut out all the parts she didn't like. Uncertainty, hesitancy, politeness. It wasn't lost on Jenna that she had basically made Henry.

So now, once every two weeks or every week if their class schedules allowed, they played in the basement of the house Kate lived in off-campus. The group was different, and so was the game; run by a girl named Tanya who was a creative writing major or something. Each of them brought snacks to share. 

And usually, two to three hours in they took a break before playing for another hour or two. By midnight or one they were all usually heading back to their own places. They were taking their first break.

It was a little after nine and Jenna was alone in the carpeted basement which had probably converted into a lounge some time in the seventies. She gave it maybe twenty minutes before the others got back.

Henry: hey weird question

You: ok

Henry: think Margot Robbi has a strap?

You: ????

You: a what?

Henry: strapon, dildo, plastic penis

Henry: u sure ur a lesbian?

She rolled her eyes. Henry had to be out with her friends, because that was usually what got her like that; asking weird questions and making, like, really irritating comments about her sexuality or whatever. She tried not to let it bother her most of the time. Not like it happened all that often, Jenna could count the number times on one hand, and it wasn't even really about Henry saying those things.

It was just, other shit. Stuff Henry could know anything about anyways so there was no point in blaming her. In getting angry at her.

Though she wondered if Henry was drunk or high? But she stopped herself from asking, that would be too much like a nosy parent. And in any case what did it matter, Henry was probably just out with friends and Jenna really needed to like chill. Right, chill.

That... wasn't something Jenna was good at. But she could try.

You: sexuality isn't determined by what slang you kno

You: even that question is a problematic essentialization of identity

You: woman-loving women have a diverse range of cultures

You: that don't all share the same trends

The second her fingers were off her phone she worried that it was too aggressive, that she hadn't managed the same irreverent irony and sarcasm that Henry put into every word she wrote. Jenna's pits started sweating and her leg knocked against the side of the table as she watched her phone anxiously.

Henry: also u r a square

Jenna let out a short bark of laughter as she rolled her eyes. Her heart unclenched.

You: also I am a square

You: but serious why r u asking?

Henry: Casey is absolutely convinced 

Henry: she's yelling about it

Henry: that Margot Robbie has a strapon

Jenna tried to think of all the things she'd ever heard about Margot Robbie, which wasn't much. Beyond knowing that she was, like, a thing in online lesbian circles, which Jenna didn't honestly have that much of a presence in, her knowledge was limited to whatever she heard from her friends on campus and in the on group meetings she attended regularly. If nothing else Jenna loved to keep to a schedule.

None of what she'd heard unfortunately had ever touched on her sexuality. Plenty about her _friend's_ sexuality in relation to her. Too much to be honest. There were, it turned out, a lot of things Jenna didn't want to know about her friends kinks.

You: my answer is

You: i don't know

You: never heard she was lesbian

You: or bi

Henry: no no

Henry: Casey thinks she pegged Jonny Dep with it when they were married

Some part of that seemed off base, Jenna just wasn't sure which part. Celebrities weren't really something she paid much attention to and even though 'pegged' sounded vaguely familiar she couldn't put a finger to it. 

You: pegged?

You: forget I asked

Henry: pt it up his ass

She'd figured that out.

Heavy footsteps over her head told her at least a couple of the other girls were coming back. Glancing down at her phone and then back up at the ceiling, Jenna figured she should probably make an effort to actually get to know Tanya and the others. It wasn't that they hadn't talked at all, but she still felt like an outsider most of the time.

You: well thanks for that image

Jenna knew she needed to make more of an effort to, like, connect with people. It had been easy in Reston, with Patty as her best friend she already knew everyone and automatically got invites to wherever. Not that she had accepted most of them. Now… for how much Henry had moved around she seemed to have easier somehow. Always talking about going out to do this or to see some new friend. 

You: others coming back

You: I gotta get to it

Was it just easier in the city? Or was it something about Jenna herself? Did going to an art school help? Art kids were weird, and like art encouraged people to take chances right? Jenna didn't know.

Sometimes she wanted to switch places with Henry. Just for a day, or a week. Or, maybe not switch places, but just settle in beside her. Feel her breathing and hear the beat of her heart and drift away to another place with her.

Henry: k

Henry: have fun w/ ur nerd game :P

*

*

Sunday had always been a weird day for Jenna. It made her introspective. They'd never exactly been religious, literally the only times she'd been in a church were for her Gram's funeral and then her mom's, so it wasn't that.

It was just a weird day. Quiet, even in the dorms, and slow in a way. 

Back before she'd come out to anyone, even just to herself, her mind tended to turn to the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that most made her feel… other in the cramped social space of Reston. All the times she noticed the curve of a girl's neck or her pink lips. Or got caught staring too long at the girl's soccer team and played it off as being distracted, just lost in her thoughts and zoned out. Burying the obvious conclusions under a pile of denial and avoidance. 

Her bouts of Sunday of overanalysis had taken on stranger turns since Henry came along. Some of that was because now Jenna knew that there were literally people who could teleport, and that it was somehow, like, biological. Which raised all sorts of questions.

Like, the energy requirements were theoretically-

No, not helpful.

In a lot of ways the world had become much scarier since Henry and Cleo had entered Jenna's life; and not just for the creepy shadowy conspiracies hunting people with powers straight out of comics. What Clay had done to Henry, what the other Boones had done too, all of that ate at Jenna even more than three years later. That people she had known basically her entire life, maybe not well, could just decide to do those things. 

It terrified her. Less for what it could mean for her, but the way she'd seen it nearly tear Henry apart at the seams. Henry who'd seemed so strong and unbreakable from the moment Jenna knew her. That was what scared her the most.

And sometimes the fear that one day she would look up and Henry would just be, gone, still shook her. Grabbed hold of her gut in cold icy nails of panic and wrung the breath from her lungs. Most of the time she managed to keep her long silent chains of wild-ass, mind whirring, guessing to more normal shit only slightly tinged with small doses of the crazy Jenna knew was out there. 

On that particular Sunday night she was mostly thinking about Christmas. 

For the first time in two years she thought there was a decent chance she and Henry could actually have a healthy, semi-uncomplicated, holiday interaction. And so long as Margarite didn't show up. Which, okay, maybe that didn't exactly make a lot of sense. Mostly she'd avoided thinking about how she'd acted during her visit last time, just cringed away from those memories and focused on the positive.

And managed to not bring up Margarite. Too often at least.

They weren't actually dating, so there was no reason for her to come to Reston anyways so really she was being silly for even worrying about. And why should she care. There wasn't any reason for Jenna to be all that bothered if Margarite did show up and if she and Henry were, like, involved or something. 

But it wasn't going to happen anyways, Margarite had her own family to spend the holiday with. Jenna didn't even think they were dating. Or hooking up. Or...

Henry would have mentioned it. Right? Probably.

Things were better between them, they talked, didn't keep secrets. Well, except for the fact that Jenna might, _might_ , have a ridiculous crush on Henry. That was for both their sakes though. It was just a stupid little thing anyways. Give it a few days… weeks, months maybe and it would fade.

On impulse she grabbed her phone and shot off a text.

You: hey

You: is Margarite coming fr Xmas?

Henry: no?

Henry: why would she

Henry: did you dad want me to invite her?

You: No

You: he didn't say anything

"Shit. Shit," she swore.

Her brain whirred searching for an explanation that wouldn't just make her sound more suspicious. God, stupid stupid stupid Jenna. Why hadn't she stopped herself? Henry probably already knew all about her crush, she and Margarite probably laughed about it.

No, that wasn't fair, Henry wasn't that cruel. Unless she felt her back was against a wall. If she knew, she would just pity Jenna, feel sorry for her for feeling something for her when Henry couldn't ever return her feelings. Wouldn't ever.

You: you just seemed close when I visited

Henry: oh I guess

Henry: kind of hard to avoid the person you live with

And yet somehow Jenna's roommate was a virtual ghost.

Henry: oh ohhhhh

Henry: wellllllllll

Henry: I could see if she wanted to

Her heart leapt into her throat and she sat straight up in bed, staring at her phone.That was the exact opposite of what she wanted.

You: no no

You: You're probably right

You: probably has plans

Henry: you're sure?

You: yeah

Henry: ok

Henry: well, just let me know if you want me to

Henry: like

Henry: clear the way or whatever ;)

Jenna blinked down at the screen.

"Huh?"

Oh. 

_Oh._

It clicked and Jenna felt like the biggest idiot in the world. Of course. Of fucking course. Henry wasn't interested in Margarite, Jenna had no reason for feeling jealous or whatever, because Henry was straight. 

Which, duh. 

She'd dated Josh. Plus she'd never once mentioned a girl in anything but the context of friendship. Granted she'd never actually talked about any guys either, but Jenna already knew for sure she dated one so why had she gone for anything but the simplest explanation. Henry was straight and for the first time making actual friends. 

What she'd seen had been friendship, not the beginnings of a secret crush that would blossom into, like a hidden lesbian tryst. Jenna wanted roll her eyes and slap herself silly. It had all been her own overactive imagination, conjuring up something to torture herself with; just the tantilizing promise of possibility without the chance of ever actually having. 

God, she was pathetic. She was supposed to be rational, a scientist.

But she let herself fall for a straight girl. Jenna wanted to laugh. She wanted to cry.

You: hey im going to bed

It was only nine.

Henry: ok

Henry: goodnight Jenna

You: goodnight henry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sure what to say. Jenna is going through some shit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't honestly expecting to get this out today, but I kinda forgot how short this bit was. Which is maybe good, because the next bit... isn't and will probably only grow with the editing (or not! I have hopes that I can actually make it work by cutting out a portion that just really doesn't work).

"... you want."

Honestly it had sounded a lot less pathetic when Henry was rehearsing it in her head. Saying it out loud just made her sound sad. She resisted the urge to bury her head underneath her pillow and scream herself hoarse.

"There are a bunch of nice places. We could go out, just the two of us- " fuck, fuck, no. She cleared her throat. Unsafe territory. "Plenty of bars and clubs and shit will still be open, I mean."

"Um," Henry could hear the frown on Jenna's face over the phone.

Right, stupid. What exactly about Jenna Faith Hope screamed party animal? Nothing. It wasn't like Henry went out every night or anything herself, the number of people she could actually stand to be around for extended periods of time wouldn't take both hands to count. 

But the last outing she'd planned hadn't exactly gone over well, so she figured she might as well suggest the things her friends were always talking about doing. 

"It's just… after five hours of driving, I think I'll be pretty tired. And then we have to get going kind of early in the morning, you know? To get to Reston," Jenna said. "Maybe we can just… stay in?

That made a lot of sense.

"No, yeah, " she said. "Of course. Cool."

Cool? Fuck. These stupid fucking feelings, or whatever, were an absolute-fucking karmic curse. Probably for all the shit she'd given her mom over the years, just turning her into a complete moron.

Henry stared angrily up at the blank ceiling, softly lit by the bedside lamp, trying to wait out her latest verbal humiliation.

"But, maybe the next time I visit?" Jenna asked, sounding no more enthused by the idea that she had seconds ago. 

For a brief moment, there was a snarling part of Henry that wondered whether she would be more excited if it was Margarite doing the inviting but she quickly squashed that thought down. She really had no right to think that way. Whoever Jenna liked was her business and not Henry's.

"Sure, yeah."

A beat. Then another.

"So, um, have you started shopping for presents yet?"

Henry had not. It wasn't something she had much experience doing to be honest, she had vague memories of buying her mom a present with her dad when she was younger, like a lot younger. And even with the student aid she wasn't exactly swimming in cash or anything, so Henry had to be careful how much she spent.

"No, not yet," she said. "I don't even know what to get my mom."

Before they came to Reston, Henry would've just bought her mom one of those scented candles and called it good. Now that just seemed shitty. Especially when they were doing so much better with, like, the whole communicating part of the mother-daughter relationship; Henry tried to call at least a couple times a month and actually tell her about whatever was going on in her life.

They still hadn't ever talked about the important shit, stuff to do with her dad and Henry was still keeping all the really messed up parts of life quiet, the weird sci-fi shit, but things were better. Sort of. It was a work in progress. Part of the progress was actually wanting to give her some not stupid crap, right? Show she cared and all that.

Jenna sighed, "Ugh, I know. Shopping for my dad is the worst every year. Mom always said she had a surefire backup, just in case, but she never told me what it was so I don't-"

There was a heavy pause on the other end of the line.

"And now, I'm realizing it was a sex thing. Perfect."

Henry could hear Jenna's shudder over the phone and couldn't help the cackle that exploded out of her. She'd never had to come to terms with her parent's sex life, but her mom's had been made obvious to her years ago, they'd lived in some places with thin walls. 

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up," Jenna said. "You know it's your mom he wants to… do that sort of thing with."

"He better not be looking for someone else, or I'll have words for Thomas" Henry mock threatened, well-half mock, then hummed thoughtfully, "You think I should get them condoms and lube? Or maybe-"

"Stop."

But she didn't.

"A copy of the Kama Sutra? How flexible is your dad exactly?"

The desperate, unhappy groan that filled her ears pulled another laugh out of Henry and prompted her to go on, "What about sex toys? Some buttplugs, or ball gags maybe. Do you think-"

"Stop, stop, stop," Jenna begged, a hint of her own laugh behind the whisper of her voice but still less than the real misery that lay over it.

Henry relented, swallowing on her laughter. Fun as it was to push Jenna, make her squirm and shudder, she was trying to be more conscious of the other girl's limits and not press at them too much. And the small knot of guilt that pressed itself up against her throat told her it was time to stop.

She let a couple beats of silence settle between them. Then she said, "Sorry."

"No, no. Really, it's my stupid brain. Keeps making me  _ imagine _ it."

She heard another shudder, then.

"Distract me?"

Instantly Henry's own brain was racing along two seperate paths. One followed the softness and intimate quietness of her voice to conjure up all sorts of, frankly, unhelpful and totally useless things she could say. None of which Henry was even going to think of trying. Nope. No way no how.

The other frantically tried for safer ground. Friend sort of topics. Which was a lot less productive than Henry might have hoped; the sort of stupid bullshit stuff her friends from class talked about. Stupid celebrity gossip bullshit and only slightly less stupid gossip about classmates. Who'd broken up with who, or who was fucking who and-

Henry's mouth was opening before she could make it stop, asking, "Been on any good dates?"

Fuck.

*

*

"Um," Jenna stalled. 

That was about the last thing she wanted to talk to Henry about.

"A couple? I mean, I don't know how good- it's just… it's hard to connect sometimes."

Not in weeks, definitely not since she'd realized that she was definitely harboring some sort of crush on Henry. And even when she had gone on those dates they'd been set ups; girls Kate thought she would like, it wasn't like she'd even been wrong. But. Looking back it really should have been more obvious.

Jenna felt guilty for the way she'd compared those girls to Henry. It wasn't like Jenna had forgotten about all the bad parts of her; the prickly outer shell and the vicious streak of selfishness Henry had.

It made sense, with her life. But she was more than just the defensive walls she put up. Protective. Warm. Funny in a biting sort of way. Almost hungry to share her brittle strength with whoever needed it. 

Even through everything that had happened to her Henry had kept going. Jenna hadn't managed that. Instead she'd tried to pretend she was okay, tried to go on like her world wasn't crumbling around her. Like she wasn't drowning every day.

"Like… last week this girl was telling me all about her junior prom and I just," she stopped, that hadn't even been a date, just two people hanging out at a party.

"I didn't know how to care? Not when that same year we were looking over our shoulder, worrying that- well, you know."

"Oh."

Henry sounded distant. Surprised.

They hadn't really talked about anything from that year. Outside of the night Henry outed Jenna. Sometimes she felt the weight of those terrifying months following her around like a shadow, other times it was easier to forget what had happened and what she'd seen. Easier to forget the blood on her hands. She clung to those days, stretched out their memory over weeks just to stay on track.

Which wasn't fair. 

Not to herself or to Henry. She curled up on the bed, legs pressed tight to her chest as she stared blankly at the far wall

"I… not that I think that that makes me, like better or anything. But it's just hard-"

Henry broke in before she said anything else. "No, I get it. I think."

Jenna sighed, the pressure inside her chest eased a bit, but said nothing. Neither did Henry for several moments.

"Look," she said after the quiet had grown too tense. "Connecting with people, or whatever, hasn't ever been, like, my strength. You know? But I'm trying now and a lot of that is because of you… and Townes."

She sniffed, her eyes prickled. Henry went on.

"Neither of you ever gave up…"

Jenna's throat tightened and she wanted to protest. 

She had given up. Even before that night. Too scared to ask for help she'd lashed out; pushed and pushed at Henry, desperate and frightened and angry herself, until she'd gotten a reaction. Was that what Jenna had wanted? She wasn't sure. 

It was difficult for her to look back on that time and really see herself. And somedays she worried she hadn't really grown beyond that, that she was just stalling and avoiding again.

"... onto Patty. You, just... care about people so easily. It's part of what I- " Henry cut herself off.

She heard Henry moving, getting up from wherever she had been to pace. Almost imagined she could feel her in the room. The soft fall of her feet echoing in Jenna's ears.

Then with a light sigh she picked back up a second later. "Other people's shit, it's just, whatever. Not something I really do. Even with- it just seems like such stupid bullshit. But it's not."

"All this stuff with my dad, or the shit between me and mom, and the… the other crap. It just sits there. Like- like a… like some asshole just poking, poking, poking at me all the time."

Oh. 

It had seemed so easy for Henry over the last few weeks. Always talking about the people she was meeting in her classes, the ones she was making friends with; getting lunch and dinner, going out to clubs and bars with them, smoking up after class. Meanwhile Jenna was struggling just to feel like she was part of what was supposed to be her own community and looking over at Henry with this weird mix of… envy and want. 

Like she was being left behind, Henry racing ahead on a path she couldn't follow. As if she owed Jenna anything. It had been easy just to see what she wanted to. Or didn't in a way.

"I've gotten good at pretending to give a crap, like I'm not wrapped up in my own shit most of the time. But I still, like, slip back into those habits or whatever. So yeah, I think I get it."

"Why-" Jenna's voice broke. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Beat.

"I-"

Another pause.

"I didn't- I mean I wanted you to think I was doing well. I wanted to be doing well."

She could understand that, she'd been doing the same thing herself. It wasn't like Jenna had exactly been shouting all her problems to Henry either and she was supposed to be the well adjusted one between the two of them. 

Obviously she wasn't. Hadn't ever been. But the assumptions people made from the outside still apparently colored her own thoughts. Mostly it boiled down to the fact that she was better at hiding behind polite masks and veneers of easy lies than Henry was, more practiced at showing other people what they wanted to see than her. Better at lying to herself too.

"When I- the shit I said to you, I was wrong," she said, the words settling hot and tight in her throat for a moment. "You don't just take and take. You're not selfish."

"N-"

"Sometimes you can be, but so can everyone." But Jenna was right there, before she could more than make a sound. "You protected me from Lucas. Even before you knew what was happening with you and when I… when Zach and I slept together, you helped me put things into perspective. You were Townes friend and you saved Clay even after what he-"

She stopped herself, unsure how ready Henry was to talk about those things. 

"I know that wasn't just because you- look, you're not a saint Henry, but Townes basically tried to turn you into a superhero out of one of his comics. And I was looking for anything to distract me from, well, you know. You do care, I know you do."

The silence stretched heavily over the moment. Jenna heard her own breath in her ear and felt the nervous, anxious energy pouring over the phone.

"Um, I-"

Another beat of quiet.

"Okay."

In her place Jenna wasn't sure she would have known what to say either; grief and pain were strange things. Before she'd even known Henry she'd fooled herself into thinking she was done dealing with her mom's death, that she talked it out enough and was back to normal. And yet it still cropped up.

She was beginning to make peace with the idea that it wouldn't ever leave her. Not completely. Jenna didn't like that thought but pretending she was over it hadn't helped so far. Learning to live with it might be the only thing she could do. 

Henry continued, "And, uh, I know you'll find someone. Who you can like, connect with and whatever. Spend the rest of your life with, have kids, live in a nice house. All that shit."

Jenna resisted the urge to hurl her phone at the wall. Along with the impulse to laugh desperately. Because Henry didn't know she'd already found that person. She was just straight and Jenna was too chicken shit to confess anyways.

God, she really was an absolute mess.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse the terrible Canadian-French swearing, I know literally no one who speaks it and did my best with googling. It is thankfully brief so whatever pain I might cause is over soon.

Henry blew out a long breath in relief as she let the door shut behind her and walked back out into the cold morning air. She hadn't been anxious at all when she dropped off her other pieces earlier in the week. And those were actually being graded. 

Maybe that was it, this shit was personal. Something she'd been working on for weeks now, trying to work through all her personal trauma or whatever through her art.

Professor Richards, or Bailee as she'd insisted every time Henry had come to her office that semester, taught her Site and Intervention class and was basically like her mentor now or something. Maybe.

Funny as fuck, didn't take shit from anyone. Tough. And still somehow, like, open or whatever? But it was, like Henry's normal sort of shit so she didn't really know if it looked good or said anything or whatever. Part of it was that Henry hadn't worked with watercolors much but she'd started messing around with them and the way the colors bled into each other had sort of gotten her thinking about stuff. 

About the ways every messed up bit of her life somehow seemed to bleed into the other, not quite as fucked, parts. So now that it was done; Professor Richards had promised to take it home with her over the break and look it over. Tell Henry what she thought when they came back.

It was both a relief and anxiety inducing on its own. Henry needed to distract herself. Unfortunately she had a few more hours before Jenna could make it into the city, it was only eleven thirty, and she didn't really have anything to do. Most of her friends had either already left Toronto or were staying over the break. 

Besides, the imminent approach of Jenna's arrival had her distracted enough Henry didn't even think she'd enjoy hanging out. She'd see them in, like a week or two anyways.

That felt weird to her, the fact that she was getting ready to leave a place while knowing she would be back. Almost as weird as going back to Reston; places usually weren't for returning to Henry's experience. 

She had made it off campus and was less than three blocks from her bus stop when her phone rang. Zoe's name and face popped up as she pulled it out. Frowning, Henry answered.

"Hi?"

It wasn't that she disliked Zoe. But they didn't exactly talk very frequently, Henry only had her number in the first place at Towne's own insistence, for 'emergencies.' 

"Henry. Hey, um, how are you doing?"

"I'm okay."

Things were already off to a pretty weird start.

"Cool, good," Zoe continued after another moment. "Um, I was- I mean, I wanted to ask a favor?"

Henry let that hang, mind fumbling for some clue for what she was about to be asked to do. She didn't think that Zoe was going to ask her to do something, like, illegal which was kind of Henry's only real area of expertise favor wise; getting weed, trespassing, and petty vandalism. She'd done it all.

Usually the latter two in return for the first. "What… sort of favor?"

"Nothing bad, it's just that I have," the other girl hesitated. "Towne's Christmas present, one of them is kinda of- well I'd rather not drive it over, and I need someplace to, um, assemble it. So I was wondering if I could ship it to your place?"

"Oh," was that it? "That's it?"

"Yeah, I know it's sort of last minute, but i wasn't even going to-"

Henry could detect a rambling spiel coming on, so she cut that off, "No, no. Don't worry about it. Lemme shoot you a text with the address."

So she did, typing out the number and letters that it was still weird to think of being 'hers' in some sense. 

"Thanks," Zoe said once Henry was back on the line.

"Seriously, it's whatever," she said. Then, "But, I mean what exactly are you giving him? Sounds interesting."

It really did. Big thinks cost money and Henry didn't think Zoe was like super rich or anything. Maybe it was something she'd made herself? Which probably meant some weird nerd thing.

"Oh, sure yeah. It's um… "

And then she didn't say anything for several seconds. Several long seconds. 

Which freaked Henry the fuck out, because usually when people struggled that much to talk about something it had to do with sex. 

" _ Oh _ ."

And she had precisely zero interest in learning about Towne's sex life.

"You know what," she said quickly. "Nevermind, forget I asked."

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Zoe laughed. 

At the same time Henry said, "Really, it's none of my business."

"I'm just not sure how to explain it?" the other girl went on. "Have you ever heard of cosplay?"

*

*

It was quiet in the house by the time Henry got back. Margarite had work so she probably wouldn't be home until after Jenna had arrived; a train of thought which immediately consumed every spare bit of attention she had. Sweat prickled like tiny crawling buggy legs down her back and her nerves worked themselves into an anxious frenzy. It was fucking awful.

She'd never really been nervous about shit like this before. People didn't scare her.

Of course things with Josh had just sort of snuck up on her through a cloud of teenage hormones or whatever. And ok, judging by some of the dreams she'd had there were still plenty of hormones involved but it was different because Josh hadn't really been anyone to her before something happened between them. Jenna was.

Not that anything was going to happen between them. That was, like, the whole point. 

Henry wasn't going to screw things up by making any sort of stupid confession or anything. Not when their parents were, like, getting back together. Plus the whole load of shit between them made even just trying to be friends, or sisters, or whatever they ended up being complicated enough. After what Henry had done to her it would be, like, way messed up to even… just no.

Which didn't even matter, Jenna wasn't interested.

And that was the other awful part, because part of Henry was glad that Margarite wouldn't be there. Just a little bit of her that relished the thought of the two of them alone together, that invented fleeting little fantasies of, like, lingering touches and looks and, you know, whatever. She did her best to squash those thoughts into the deepest, darkest corners of her mind.

It rarely worked.

It was also that she really kind of hated the idea of Jenna and Margarite spending any time together at all, despite the fact that Henry had decided months ago to stop being jealous. Apparently that wasn't something that really worked.

So, just like she had for the past week Henry turned to cleaning.

Which was just sort of fucked because she was about the furthest thing from a neat freak. Not, like, a slob. But so long as things weren't, like, a problem Henry didn't usually put much effort into keeping things super clean.    


Who cared if her clothes were in a pile? She knew what was clean and what wasn't. The dishes might sit in the sink for a day, but they were rinsed out and nothing was growing on them. Henry kept the counters clean and tossed away actual garbage. Anything else was just, too much in her opinion; a lot of effort for not much better.  _ Others _ disagreed, though her mom wasn't exactly going to win, like, any awards for her cleaning. Margarite hadn't said anything.

That was why Henry was cleaning the kitchen. Again. Wiping counters that were as clean as they'd ever been, rearranging fresh fruit in a bowl for no reason, checking the garbage under the sink even though it hardly had more than a few scraps. Rinsing the sink, then wiping the counter around it dry again. Sweeping the floor. 

Eventually she moved into the living room.

And gave couch pillows a few good smacks, though she didn't actually know what, if anything, that did. But she'd seen people do it before somewhere so there had to be a reason. Right? She brushed the top of the mantle place with her sleeve, just to get the thinnest trace of dust off.

Henry was staring at the arrangement of furniture, phone in hand, trying to figure out if there was like some feng shui shit she could do, because that was a thing that mattered, when she heard the door open and shut. Whatever calm she'd managed to achieve was instantly gone, her heart beat skyrocketing in a constant drumbeat. One that hammered against her ribs threateningly.

Staring down at her phone accusingly all it showed was a black screen. Followed a second later by white numbers on blue as her fingers twitched and woke it up.

Nothing from Jenna. Which meant-

"Hello," called Margarite from the entryway.

Henry whirled around and stared wide eyed. Fuck. 

Fuck?

Henry said nothing. Just kept staring. Watched her roommate drop her bag at the end of the foyer and take off her jacket and scarf to hang up on the coat rack. Like everything was normal.

Because everything  _ was  _ normal. Except for Henry. 

Margarite wandered into the kitchen, glancing at the freshly wiped countertops and looked back over her shoulder at Henry with a single raised eyebrow, an sharply elegant wedge of hair, but said nothing. Simply went up to the fridge and looked in.

"What are you doing home?"

Shit. That had come out a lot more accusatory than Henry had meant.

"I-" she swallowed, tried again, "I mean, I didn't think you would be home so early."

After a moment Margarite closed the refrigerator and gave Henry another look, "Jenna arrives tonight, it would be rude not to be here."

Right, of course. Couldn't be rude. With a glance at the faint streaks still drying on the countertops, she arched her eyebrow in Henry's direction again and with a mild lilt prodded her.

"Cleaning again?"

"Things, uh, after lunch I- you know, needed to clean up."

A hum and a nod.

"And the living room?"

"I was just hanging out, looking around, whatever," Henry said.

The look she got in return was way too pitying; like she knew what was going on in Henry's head, like she knew they were competing and that Henry had already lost. It was ridiculous. She couldn't know, they had barely ever talked about Jenna.

And it wasn't a competition. Because Henry wasn't going there no matter what.

Margarite sighed and looked away.

"How about dinner? Will she be hungry, you think? There's still plenty of the pasta from yesterday, or we could order in."

Henry shook her head, "Actually I was pla-"

There was a knock at the door. Her heart stuck again, shuddering erratically before slamming wildly about her ribcage like a bird suddenly trapped in order searching for escape and knocking itself inter every surface imaginable. She glanced down again. Nothing on her phone except the taunting figures of the time staring back at her. Five oh one. 

Henry stood frozen, feet rooted in place for several long seconds.

Margarite rolled her eyes and jerked her head in the direction of the door.

*

*

Ten seconds. Fifteen.

Twenty.

Jenna frowned at the door, willing it to open. It failed to comply.

Her mind conjured all sorts of bizarre scenarios, from the mundane to the nightmarish; a late bus, an uncharged phone, squealing tires and dented metal, and tall black suited men appearing to tear her away in an instant. All of it flashed through her mind in an instant.

Twenty-five seconds. She swallowed past the rise of fear.

With a jerk the door swung open and there she was; hair tumbling down in a mess around her face, just down to her shoulders, edges fanning out. Jenna smiled instinctively.

"Hey," she said. 

Lamely.

"I thought you were going to text," Henry said back. "Uh, I mean, hey. You're early, not that- I just-"

Henry's mouth closed with a snap.Things were awkward, why were things awkward? She took a visible breath and met Jenna's eyes.

"Hi."

She fidgeted in place, her arms moving in stuttering, flinching movements. Jenna took a half step forward, froze, unsure of what to do; whether to go in for a hug or reach out for a simple handshake.

That would be weird right? A handshake? But Henry was so guarded, hugging wasn't something she did often or easily and Jenna could count the number of times they'd embraced each other with two hands.

"Let her in already," Margarite called, taking the question out of her hands, and finally breaking the two of them out of their prolonged and uncomfortable staring contest. 

Henry started and threw a glance over her shoulder before stepping away from the door. Just enough giving Jenna space to come in. Margarite waited at the end of the foyer, smiling brightly at her while she ignored Henry's frown and glare.

"Hi."

Margarite gave Jenna a wave.

"Come in, come in," another wave, urging her further in.

It had been three months since her first visit. Less than that? And yet somehow taking those few extra steps, squeezing past Henry, into the rest of the house felt like being transported somewhere else entirely. Mostly it looked the same

But the differences…

All the furniture was the same, Jenna assumed, and it wasn't like the walls had changed color or been suddenly transformed into, like, murals or anything. There were little things though. Small markers that screamed Henry's presence. Her boots at the end of the low wall to the left, jacket hanging over one of the dining room chairs. Dry paint brushes laid out on a plate sitting on the sill of one of the living room windows next to a collapse easel tucked in the corner.

The picture of Cleo on the mantle. On the coffee table, a pair of sunglasses resting on top of a cracked notebook. Lights strung around the frame of the door to Henry's room. Things that were settled in place. 

Not graffiti thrown wildly around to loudly claim an almost too big space, screaming her presence at everyone who so much as dared enter.

Jenna bit down on the flare of jealousy that boiled in her stomach at knowing that Margarite got to see Henry at home somewhere before she ever had. She forced a polite smile.

"Thanks for having me in your home again."

Margarite waved off her words.

"Nonsense," she said. "I'm only sorry you won't be staying any longer. We hardly got to talk last time. My last memories of you are still of that little seven year old running around saying my name so funny."

A soft thump signalled the door closing behind her. Jenna flushed at the reminder of how she'd followed after the older girl. 

"Oh, god, please don't remind me."

Margarite laughed. 

"So, um, how's work? Last time you said you were going to be starting a new project soon, how's- did that happen?"

"Yes, we started on the next stage of trials just a few weeks ago- oh, but cannot talk about it. Not that I don't trust both of you, it's just..."

She shrugged, "Don't want to form any bad habits."

"Right," Jenna nodded. 

Keeping secrets even from people you trusted, when they weren't yours to share, was something she could understand pretty well. Though things around Henry had calmed down a lot since those nerve wracking months and with the distance, most days Jenna barely even though about it all. Which made it a lot easier to keep quiet.

Jenna felt Henry squeeze by her. As she passed Jenna's eyes flicked over, catching sight of her soft pink lips pressed into a frown as Henry looked anywhere but at either of the two of them. That was weird.

"Henry tells me," Margarite said as she moved into the living room area, forcing both of them to follow, "You are taking a photography class next semester?"

She motioned to the couch. "Sit down."

Jenna blinked. 

They'd only talked once about her classes for next semester, weeks ago, and up until two days ago when she finished her last final and took her first breath in what felt like months even she hadn't really remembered that she'd signed up for Art two-forty-one. She tried to catch henry's eye, but she avoided Jenna's gaze and kept her gaze focused outside the window as she sat down in the chair across from her.

"Uh, yeah, a friend really liked it and I thought why not."

Specifically Megan had suggested when Jenna had been over for dinner with her and Townes one night. Apparently even in the midst of her feelings for Henry some part of her hadn't quite gotten over her stupid crush on Megan; because before she'd known what was happening she was agreeing and then signing up just on her suggestion.

"Have you already got a camera?" Margarite asked.

Jenna shook her head, "No, actually when I get back home…"

And so for the next forty-five minutes they talked. Mostly about school and work, what Margarite could actually share, what things were like at Colgate, plans for the holiday, and the vague memories of their joint family trip. It was mostly Jenna and Margarite talking, Henry sat… not exactly sullen, but she kept quiet which maybe wasn't weird except that Margarite kept prodding her with small leading comments. Asking what she thought of whatever Jenna said.

Henry's responses were, well, short. Almost like she was distracted, except that Jenna noticed her eyes never left the two of them. She watched both of them like a hawk. Until she noticed Jenna looking her way, then she very visibly relaxed. For a bit.

Eventually the tension returned. She didn't like it. Not that she knew how to bring it up without completely cratering the mood.In the end she just, didn't and close to five thirty-ish, Margarite wondered aloud if Jenna was hungry. 

"A bit, yeah."

"Hmm," Margarite hummed, then glanced at Henry, "What do you think? Leftovers or order in?"

She turned to Jenna for a second, "We made, well mostly Henry, this delightful lemon shrimp pasta-"

Henry jumped up out of her seat, startlingly both of them. Then she stared blankly before glancing down at her phone.

"Um, a friend just- I mean, uh, I know this is, like last second and whatever but I have to go."

Without even waiting for a response she marched out of the living room and grabbed her familiar grey-green jacket off the chair. Margarite stared at Jenna and she stared back, opened her mouth and turned around to instead stare at Henry.

"What? Do you- should I-"

"No," Henry choked out the word as she whirled around. "I, uh, won't be long. You two, just eat dinner and I'll be back… soon."

Jenna blinked at the back of her head. What the fuck was going on? Things had been, well things had been awkward so far but not, like, completely uncomfortable and it was probably just because they hadn't seen each other in so long.

Once she had slipped her jack on over her shoulders, Henry stuffed her feet roughly into her boots and, without bothering to tie them, stomped out the door. It slammed shut behind her. She hadn't even looked back. For a long beat Jenna's brain just refused to process what had happened.

Margarite sighed and stood, walking into the kitchen. She turned back and caught Jenna's eye, "Back to important matters, leftovers? Or order in?"

Huh?

There were several seconds in which the only thing she could do was stare on. Still uncertain what exactly had just happened. 

"Um, t-the pasta," Jenna swallowed and took a deep breath, tried to stop her voice from shaking, "Sounds f-fine."

Margarite nodded, thankfully she seemed prepared to ignore Jenna's obvious reaction and turned quickly away to start rummaging through the fridge. Her brain played back the last few moments. Out of order and in pieces.

Henry's hair, messy with the faintest spots of paint hiding in its depths, bulging over the collar of her jacket as she shoved her arms into the sleeves. Band of pale skin showing as her shirt rode up.

Unpainted whitening on the doorknob.

The hard set of her face as she marched past, eyes fixed ahead and the jerky, almost mechanical, movements of her arms and legs. The urgency to her need to get out and be gone. 

Jenna shook herself loose, blinked away the tightness at her eyes, and pushed herself out of the chair. Food. She needed to eat and… she needed to eat. Have a conversation. Just, not think about whatever it was that just happened. 

In the time that she'd taken to collect herself or whatever, Margarite had gotten out a tupperware container. It certainly seemed to contain pasta. Jenna walked over to the table and stood uncertainly at the corner for a moment, before she spoke up.

"Do you need any help?"

Jenna was proud of how steady her voice sounded.

"Thank you," she point to a hanging cabinet by the sink and turned, "the plates are-" 

She stared, eyebrows pulling together and asked, "Are you okay?"

What? "Of course," Jenna said. There was something in her eyes, making her vision blurry. Reaching up to wipe whatever it was away, her fingers came away wet.

Oh.

Margarite watched her for a second longer, frowning, before explosively throwing down the spatula she'd been grabbing into the sink, swearing, "Niaiseuse guidoune," just under her breath. Then she charged over to where her own jacked still hung up on the rack and ripped it off.

Jenna could hear several more muttered sounds, though she couldn't make them out. When the other woman had her jacked on she whirled back around and pointed at Jenna.

"Stay here."

Then, shoving her feet into her shoes she followed Henry's path out the door and into the evening. Jenna was left to stare after both of them, now alone and completely lost.

*

*

Not ten minutes later the front door burst open again and Henry stumbled in, Margarite hot on her heels. Her face was twisted in a furious scowl that froze the second she saw Jenna. There was just the faintest touch of red to her eyes, Jenna had managed to gather herself together but even those few moments... minutes, of tears had been enough for it to show. She'd checked her reflection in the window.

Immediately Henry's frozen expression shattered, into something that Jenna couldn't even really decipher. She fidgeted, glanced back over her shoulder at Margarite.

"I-"

Whatever she planned to say died in her throat and insteadly she simply stared helplessly. Glancing back and forth between her and Margarite before the former apparently took pity on her.

"You two, need to talk," she said, first catching Henry's eyes and holding them before her gaze swept over to Jenna. Pinned her.

She froze as her heart leapt into her throat. Fuck. She knew. Margarite fucking knew, Jenna didn't knwo how, but she was absolutely one-hundred percent convinced the other woman knew about her feelings. Somehow she'd pieced it together from, like, a few months old conversations and the last hour of talking.

This was Jenna's worst nightmare come to life. Her stomach lurched, and she barely managed to avoid losing what little she'd ate for lunch all over the kitchen floor. 

Henry meanwhile had turned on her roommate and was ramping up to a good shout already.

"... you can't just, fucking, do shit like this. This, " her hand waved vaguely between her and Jenna, "Shit has nothing to do with you so I-"

"Henry," snapped Margarite. ",You both need to talk, get on the same page. "

She swallowed and glanced back at Jenna. "Look, whatever it is you think is going on- just, you're way off. I promise you."

The other woman sighed, but looked past Henry and fixed her eyes on Jenna. Margarite definitely knew, there was no doubt in Jenna's mind, not with the way her eyes silently pleaded with Jenna; 'do the right thing.'

"I will go out for… oh, two hours, let's say. Just, be honest," she implored, Jenna nodded and she smiled. 

"Good. Just, please, be quiet when I get back? I have work tomorrow."

What? She opened her mouth to repeat the question out loud, but without another word Margarite was gone, the door shutting with a thump behind her. Leaving the two of them alone.

A moment passed. Then another. Neither of them opened their mouths.

Outside the wind blew, rattling tree branches against some part of the house and Jenna could just faintly make out the distant sound of traffic. She looked at Henry and then promptly looked away. There were so many things she knew she needed to say, Margarite was right that they couldn't keep things like they were, Jenna needed to be honest. She needed that closure.

But she was so scared of what happened after. Not that she seriously thought that Henry would, like, be disgusted or never want to talk to her again or anything like that. Something would change between them though once the truth was out. Admitting it out loud to Henry, rather than simply breathing it out into the safely empty air of her dorm room, would change how Henry saw her.

She would start thinking about how she was acting. Whether she was leading Jenna on, maybe, or if something she did crossed a line into like flirting. It would be okay though because… because it just had to be.

Maybe there would be a little awkwardness but they'd get over it. If they could work past the night that Henry had outed her, and that Jenna had almost done the same, they could definitely work past something as silly a crush. Feelings. Whatever. 

Not that that made it any easier for Jenna to make the words work themselves out of her mouth.

Henry turned to face her, "I don't- whatever she told you, I promise you, it's not- I mean I don't- I never wanted to make things… weird between us, or make things more difficult for you. I promise."

Jenna nodded, she didn't want to make things weird either. Though she didn't really understand why  _ Henry _ was the one saying- oh. Henry already knew. Of course she did, if Margarite could figure it out from a handful of conversations then Henry, who between phone calls and texting talked to her more than almost anyone else, definitely could.

And now she was trying to spare Jenna's feelings.

"So… look, can we just, like forget this ever happened? I swear I won't-"

Well she wasn't looking for something to spare her feelings.

"No."

The strength in her own voice surprised her too, the steadiness too, how not panicked she was. Instead she felt relaxed almost. Ready.

"I- wha-"

"There's nothing that could make me want you out of my life, Henry. You're- I love you Henry," there, she'd said it.

Jenna took a breath and charged forward, metaphorically, "And I don't just mean like a friend or, or a family member; I mean that I'm actually  _ in _ love with you."

Now panic was starting to set it as her mind whirled and whirled around the words that had jsut come out of her mouth. Even as said mouth raced on with other things.

"It started out as just a, stupid, crush. After you, um- when we started, hanging out, you just seemed so cool," feeling needed had felt good. "But, I'm not asking you to, like… I know you're straight. And it's such a cliche, gay girl falling for her straight friend, but Margarite is right. I have to honest otherwise I won't be able to let go- not that I'm pining or-"

Her heart was pounding, the blood rushing in her ears nearly drowning out every other sound.

"I love you too."

Jenna's hands clenched tightly at her side, one gripping hard at the sweater she was wearing. Probably already stretched. Vaguely she could see Henry opening her mouth.

"-whatever. So I had to tell you or, or just give up and start collecting cats like some sad lesbian stereotype."

A cool hand pressed at her neck. Jenna flinched, blinked, and shook herself. When had Henry moved so close?

"I-" Henry started, swallowed and stared deeply into Jenna's eyes, her voice an unsteady whisper. "Jenna F-faith Hope. I l-love you too"

She could feel her eyes go wide. The rush of blood in her ears turned into a raging storm, full of wind that howled until it filled her mind and swept away every other thought. What? Henry kept her eyes fixed, though the hand not on Jenna's neck shook ever so slightly against her hip where it hardly dared to settle.

"I love you."

Henry smiled full and bright like the sun cresting over the horizon, spears of dawn sweeping away shadow and fog.

Oh.

_ Oh _ .

"I- What? I didn't think that you… you never-"

Jenna's brain short circuited. Whatever potential for rational thought she normally had abandoned her completely, thankfully her body seemed much more certain of what to do. Through the adrenaline now coursing through her body Jenna watched her hands move; one hesitantly reaching out, in a mirror of Henry's own, to touch the other girl's neck while the other felt to clasp the hand at her hip.

Henry smiled and Jenna felt her mouth move. Was she speaking? She didn't know. Then she was leaning down, pulling along the arm with the hand sitting electrically near her ass. Watching those pale pink lips part, feeling the tiny exhalation scattering across her face as they inches closer to one another.

When their lips met it wasn't perfect. For one Henry's were too dry and Jenna's were little better. She'd been talking so much her throat was also practically a desert, full of cotton, and they both surged forward on contact. But in opposite directions. Making their noses bumped awkwardly as they maneuvered and their teeth clattered together. 

Jenna tried to breath through her mouth and almost swallowed her own tongue.

Still, somehow it was… there was a spark. A shuddering thrill that ran through them both, like an electric current finally finding its proper path, like an itch finally scratched or a stiff joint suddenly popping. 

Jenna soared for a brief instant. Her body wonderfully, frighteningly, gloriously light. A charge scattered across her skin and the hair all over stood on end. She shuddered.

Then she fell. Literally.

Her head bounced against hardwood flooring a fraction of a second after her back slammed into it. She let out a sharp cry as the weight of Henry smothered her, then with a groan and a shove Henry tumbled off her. Jenna blinked and stared up at the white ceiling and achingly familiar blue walls. 

To her side Henry swore.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck." 

They were in her room. 

Not her room at Colgate, but her room at home. In Reston. 

Oh shit. Henry had teleported. Whipping around to face Henry, she winced from the ache at the back of her head and the brief scattered blurring of her vision. Stars danced in front of her eyes.

"Henry, what did you do?" she hissed.

"It wasn't on purpose," Henry said. "That's never- I mean the last time I-"

They both heard the familiar beat of footsteps on the stairs. Followed by an even more familiar voice, shouting.

"Hello? Who is that?"

"Shit," Henry again, urgently. "Grab onto me."

Jenna didn't exactly need prompting. It would have been embarrassing how quickly her hands went to Henry if it weren't for the actual situation. She rolled over and reached out to wrap her arms around Henry's waist and was in turn felt wrapped up in Henry's own arms, one hand reaching up to press Jenna's head deep into her shoulder.

"Either you come out or I'm coming in in the next ten seconds, do you hear me?"

The latches on the windows, her old lamps, the door handle, and her old desk chair all rattled as Jenna felt goose pimples go up her arms and legs. She heard her dad curse from the other side of the door and saw the knob start turning a second later. Just as it started swinging open Jenna felt the weirdest sensation, like being squeezed and flattened all at once.

Now that she was paying attention it felt absolutely nothing like soaring.There was a brief cough of air and then they were falling again. 

Though this time at least they landed on a softer surface. She clung to Henry for several more seconds, her heart beating furiously against her chest and her hands twisting tight knots into the back of Henry's jacket. When she finally dared to open her eyes Jenna saw Henry's room. The one in Toronto, where she lived with Margarite.

Slowly she relaxed the death grips her hands had and got her heart to settle back into something like a normal pace. Both of them pulled away just a bit, just enough so that they weren't literally wrapped around each other anymore. Then they stared at each other. For several long minutes, saying nothing.

Eventually Jenna managed a shaky smile.

"You know," she said. "We haven't even had a date and you've already got me in your bed."

Henry scoffed, "Shut up," but she smiled. After a beat she went on though, "I love you."

"I love you too," Jenna smiled back and ran her hands up Henry's back, up to her neck, leaning in. 

Henry flinched away at the touch and Jenna's heart leapt in her throat for an instant but a second later she relaxed as Henry rose up to meet her eagerly.

This time their lips weren't so dry and their teeth didn't clack. It was a gentle, slow exploratory sort of kiss, not the wild desperate sort of thing from a few minutes ago. Full of promise and gentle relief. It felt like a start; magical and perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. The end of this long journey. Thank you to everyone who stuck through it in this tiny tiny fandom. I have literally no idea why the idea for this gripped me so much except that I really truly love these characters in all their complicated, messily human glory. As I said last time, somewhere, there is probably a sort of epilogue floating about in my head.
> 
> But not for a while yet and this definitely ties up the story I wanted to tell. Mostly. Please, I welcome your feedback and comments.


End file.
